It's A Hurricane, Not The Apocalypse

This guy can't even keep awake
he is so bored by Anderson
and his hurricane talk.

First of all, here is the main way to survive the hurricane.  Ignore it.  Yes, that's right ignore it.  It works the same way as when your car is making weird noises.  If your car makes weird noises, you turn up the radio - noises are gone.  Problem solved.  


Stop watching the news and weather.  It's not even "news" anymore.  We all know there's a hurricane.  And we all certainly already know that everyone has been shopping and stocking up and you can't get D batteries anywhere. We do not need reporters stopping people leaving the market to ask how it was.  It was crowded and people are annoying.  That's how it was.  We also don't need to hear people recount past storms and compare them to how they think this storm is going to be.


As for the weather channels...you probably can check in every hour or so if you feel compelled, but you really don't need to watch it non-stop.  There is nothing more you can do.  You can't get any more prepared.  Watch a movie or read a book.  If the electricity is going to go out, you'll probably know right away when you are suddenly sitting in the dark watching nothing on TV.  


Aside from mostly ignoring the storm, there are few things you can do to make your stay at home with your family more pleasant.  You can make sure you have enough wine opened ahead of time.  If the electricity goes out, it's hard to hold the flashlight with one hand and uncork the bottle with the other.  If you enlist someone else to help, you will probably have to share.  Think about how much wine there is before you jump into that.


Snacks.  Make sure you have hidden all the best ones away from everyone so you don't have to share.  Please make certain you have hidden them in a place that you can easily get to without drawing attention to yourself.  It's probably best to hide different ones in different spots so it doesn't look like you keep going to the same place over and over again.  And for the love of Pearl, bring mints or gum with you!  If you show back up in the family room with chocolate or Cheetos on your breath, it's over for you.  You have to always be thinking in these emergency situations.


Flashlights or candles.  If you have these and are worried about losing electricity, it's best to look for them (and the matches) before the electricity goes out.  In my house, the flashlights are never where they belong because my children are awful.  They insist it is not their fault that I can't find any of the 12 million flashlights I have purchased and put in the flashlight cabinet.  Really?  Not their fault?  I guess it's my friends and I who play dark tag in the yard or the basement.

You have to look at the
bright side of things.
Now your yard
will be neat.

The Party has just reported that there are now tornado warnings for our area.  And?  He is annoyed that I am not all worked up.  He is ignoring my first rule, which is ignore it.  Unless he is going to insist we head to the basement, why must he crinkle his face at me that way?  And why is he annoyed that I said it didn't even sound that rainy or windy yet?  It's not like a tornado is gonna sneak up on us.  It'll get windy.  He's also ignoring my other rule and watching the news and weather non-stop.  That being the case, we'll know exactly when/if the tornado is in our neighborhood and can head downstairs then.  Is there really a need to beat the rush?


If, like me, you are living with someone who does not want to follow my helpful advice for getting through the hurricane/tornado/tropical storm/weather event in a calm and sane manner, then what you need to do is take some drastic measures to help your peace of mind.  Offer your loved one a glass of wine.  If you have anything along the lines of Xanax you should dissolve one or two of those babies into said wine.  Speak in soothing tones until wine/Xanax cocktail kicks in.  You should also consider taking one yourself in case your victim loved one is impervious to drugs and alcohol.  Someone should be relaxed and happy.

If you don't have Xanax, see
if you can't scare yourself
up a bottle of this stuff.

Stay tuned for the Hurricane Wrap Up where I will tell you how I told The Party "see it wasn't that bad" and he gets all red-faced and twitchy.  I assure you my report will be much shorter and more interesting than the umpteen hours of hurricane recounting we will be forced to watch on TV for the next week.