Don't You Have Anything Else To Do?

Mama Fox, not having
had even 1 minute alone
that day, considers what
looks good for dinner.

Why do my children only want my attention when I want them to leave me alone?  Similarly, why can they only hear me when I am not talking to them?  I am sure there is some sort of left-over primal survival instinct at play here.  Like animals the world over, kids will leave Mom's side and wander off, but not too far, coming back and checking in periodically.  That must be it.  Of course, one might wonder why this left-over instinct stuff only works occasionally and not when it might perhaps be useful; remembering to look before crossing the street, not playing with matches, eating healthy foods, etc.


When we are all in the house together, the four of us could be in separate rooms going about our business, but let me step foot in the bathroom and close the door and everybody's Spidey Sense goes wild.  Where's Mom?  I need mom right now.  My question about a sleepover three weeks from now cannot wait another moment.  What?  You can't come make me something to eat this second?  I will have to wait 3 minutes?  What if I starve?  I feel weak already.  Aren't you done in there?  You forgot to give me my allowance.  I need my allowance.


Also, if The Party (see, we're using his new name) and I start a conversation or are just catching up for the day, that's a guaranteed magnet pull to wherever we are.  SB in particular loves to come right in, stand between us and start talking to her father.  Like I am not standing there in the middle of a sentence.  She then has the nerve to be indignant when I stop her and tell she didn't say "excuse me" and that she will have to wait her turn.  The 7 seconds she has to wait for me to finish my sentence is nearly unbearable.  Life's rough for her.

Get alone time and
gross out your children.
Win-Win

I was actually able to get rid of both kids at once the other day.  It was awesome.  We are all in the car and we pull into the driveway.  As the kids are getting out (slowly as always) The Party and I are discussing plans for something.  One of the kids starts talking, so we stop.  We are both waiting for the kids to get all the way out to finish our conversation, so we won't get interrupted.  They won't get out!!!  It's like they are afraid if they leave we are going to drive away (which, I guess is good thinking on their part).  Finally, I say, "Unless you want to see Daddy and me make out, GET OUT OF THE CAR."  All you could see was the cartoon-escape-vapors in their wake.  Feel free to try this out with your own kids.


These people also have bat hearing.  Wait, let me rephrase, they have selective bat hearing.  Phone ringing in their ear?  Nothing.  Me yelling up the steps (and I think you can guess that I am not a quiet person)?  Nothing. When I am talking quietly, about something that's none of their business, that they can hear. 


For example:  I can be on the third floor, using my quiet indoor voice (yes, I do I have one of those), talking to The Party about Boy.  We'll put Boy on the 2nd floor.  Boy doesn't hear because he is in his room with the door closed.  SB, from the 1st floor will yell up "What?!?!"  Deep breath/sigh.  I yell down to floor 1 "I'm not talking to you."  From behind the closed door on floor 2 we get Boy now yelling "What!?!?  Did you call me?"  Deep breath/sigh.  I yell "No, I am not calling either of you."  Back to quiet conversation.  A minute later Boy will appear upstairs and say "I didn't hear you, did you call me?"  Deep breath/sigh.  "No."  Then, we hear again from the first floor "What?!?!?"


Let me just throw in here that SB thinks someone is calling her, but she can't really hear for sure.  This does not compel her to get up and find out (thankfully I wasn't calling for help or anything).  Also, in cases where I ask Boy to come from wherever he is to wherever I am, that gets a lot huffing and puffing and stomping.  Unbidden, he can't show up fast enough.  WTF?

Honestly, it's like an ongoing freak show around here.

Imagine how rich I would
be if I charged people
to come see the show.