Life Is Not A Cabaret, Life Is A Freak Show

Unless Cabaret is French for freak show, then I guess life is a cabaret.  But whatever.  People are just freaky beyond measure and they don't even have the good sense to keep it to themselves.

Five bucks says this ends
up being the name of
their reality show.

I am going to share the most cringe-worthy freakishness with you first.  I'm back on that 17-year-old, who at 16 married the 54-year-old actor.  It was bad enough that they were signed to do a reality show, but now she is Tweeting all sorts of yuckiness.  She is using all the creative writing skills she was able to pick up before she ditched school for marriage to let us know her every thought and movement.  I think we are supposed to be turned on or think she is super hot and deep all at the same time.  I am not exactly sure.  You can go read them if you want to kick-start your bulimia.  


If you are wondering why she is keeping us so closely informed...it's because she has 38,000 followers.  Really!?!?  Really!?!?  I am just not understanding.  Nor am I understanding why/how she keeps being in the news?  Her pervy husband is the actor.  She's done nothing but become a future divorcee and Dr. Phil project.  Whistle.


Next up at the freak fest are the U.S. and Russian "scientists" (I'll take the quotes away when I get proof) that are "95 percent" sure they have located the "elusive" Bigfoot - aka the Siberian Yeti.  That is correct.  As we speak, people are spending money to fund expeditions to Siberia to gather the remaining proof they need to show the world there is a Bigfoot.  Tell me again why we care one way or the other.  Does this yeti have the cure for cancer?  Is that why we are spending money to find him instead of funding cancer research?

He wants to know
why can't we all just
get along?

As an aside here, there is only mention of one yeti.  There can't only be one.  If there are any, there have to be more than one.  I assume these "scientists" get that.  The legends about Bigfoot date back to before the 19th century and this creature has been spotted in a bunch of different countries.  Is the firm scientific position that this is like a Highlander and "there can be only one?"  Are we dealing with an immortal snow creature who travels the globe?


Moving on.  This is such a good one, I can't wait to tell you about it!  Amish gangs!  I know, right?!  Awesome.  Ohio police have finally caught 4 suspects in what has been a rash of beard cutting attacks.  The Bergholz clan have been attacking Amish men from outside of their group and cutting their beards off.  Amish do not shave for religious reasons, so clearly this is very upsetting to the victims.  That said, I am embarrassed to report that it did make me laugh.  Kind of a lot.  I think it's because it's like a tame version of The Godfather.

You can tell this is one of
the suspects because he
still has his beard.

The head Bergholz guy, Sam Mullet (Mullet - involved in haircut crimes - bahahahaha) has denied involvement, but has said that it's a religious matter so he doesn't see why the police are involved.  Further, he said all this started when he had to start ex-communicating people for not obeying religious laws.  


In an interesting twist to all this (maybe just interesting to me), Weird Al Yankovic parodied the song Gangsters' Paradise; it was called Amish Paradise.  Coolio, who sung Gangsters' Paradise, was all bitter and pissed off because he said it was too serious and important of a song to joke about.  No joke now, huh Coolio?  How ironic that Ohio's Amish country has become a gangster's paradise.  It like life imitating art.  Pretty freaky, huh?


And, for your listening enjoyment....