Friday, December 28, 2012

Things That Will Never Happen In The New Year: A Guide To Aiming Low

This is complete bullshit.  When
you turned the toaster on, the
metal bars would be right against
the cheese.  Burn and Fail.
It's that time of year where lots of people are making New Year's Resolutions.  I never do that.  I don't know why, I just never have.  And, even if I want to lose weight or exercise more, I refuse to jump on that bandwagon full of everyone else joining the gym and Weight Watchers as soon as the new year starts.  I can't bear the superior and condescending looks from the "regulars."  I like to wait until like mid-January or so and then act as if anything new I'm trying is just happenstance.

Of course, all the Pinterest alpha-moms don't need New Years resolutions.  They are always posting all the awesome and wonderful things they are already doing to make their lives easier, more organized, healthier and all-around more special.

Since I have no hope of ever achieving that level of crazy awesomeness, I decided to create a slide show of some things from Pinterest that I will never ever ever try to recreate.  While you look through the slide show, you should be hearing (in your head) Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" only you have to change the words... "you-oo are never ever getting a make-it-yourself-headboard, you-oo are never ever getting a 7 part luh-unch..."  You can ad-lib the rest.  Be creative.

Some notes about this slide show:
1.  Please be extremely impressed.  It took all my smartness to work around my minimal computer savvy to make this AND figure out how to get it here to Blogger.  It was hard and I needed a little rest after.  And a drink.

2.  The only way you can see my very-amusing-to-me captions is to click on the little "i" beneath the pictures.  Also, you need to go to full screen to see all the text.  My smartness only extended so far and I couldn't get them to just show below the picture.  But, you should still be impressed with me.

Here's a tip for all of you when determining if a project or recipe is something you can reasonably handle...If the person telling you about said project or recipe has no stains on her clothes, her hair is done nicely and she starts her explanation with "all you have to do is..." then NO, this is not something you should try yourself.

Wishing you all a happy and healthy New Year!!!  Or, at the very least, a fun New Year!  xo DTC

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Okay, That's Enough

So try not to make a
nuisance of yourself.
People (not us) are out of control.  Some of them live at my house, but there are plenty who are out and about in the world who also need to knock it off.  Similar to the tips I compiled last year in List of Suggestions for Family Harmony, I think this list will help make life nicer.  The bonus is this list helps lots of people, not just my family.

It is my belief that if we can get people on board with this stuff there will be a lot less "accidental" tripping, shoving, smacking and stun-gunning.  Probably a lot less whistle usage as well.  If you cut and paste this list onto nice paper and use a fancy font, you can probably give it as a holiday gift to loved ones.

Ways To Make The World A Better Place

1.  Stop blending words.  When Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were dubbed Bennifer, it was novel and cute.  Every celeb couple does not need a blended name.  It's played out, move on.  Ditto the blended word in general.  I saw the word "craftivity" twice yesterday on Pinterest.  Just no.  And, as winter approaches, let's skip all "snow" blends (I am looking at you snowpocalypse).  

2.  What are you doing with all the toilet paper?  I keep buying it, but we're always out.  Are you sneaking out and TP-ing people's houses?  WTF?  Use a normal amount, like normal people or I am going to start charging a toilet paper surcharge.  And, as always, let me know we need toilet paper before there is zero left.  Same with the milk.  Are you bathing in it or something?

3.  It's the holiday season.  Malls, stores and parking lots are crowded.  Pay attention to where you are going!!  Be pleasant and polite.  Say excuse me when you are in someone's way.  Say thank you when someone holds the door for you.  Walk like you have somewhere to go!  Some of you are like the Sunday drivers of mall walking.  Keep right, don't take up the entire walkway and move!  Also, if you could not walk in the middle of the parking lot, holding up traffic, that would be swell.

4.  Teen/tween-specific:  We, your parents, are not stupid, despite what you think.  Please note we've been able to keep your no-sense-having selves alive all this time, haven't we?  Yes, we have.  So settle down and knock it off.

5.  Let's all agree that Prince William and Princess Kate seem to be lovely people.  That said, there is no need for every move they make to be chronicled in the American media.  They are nothing to us.  They are not even all that interesting.

6.  Parking lots are not freestyle activities.  If there's not lines, it's not a spot.

Drama Queens?
Ain't nobody got time for that.
7.  Stop writing vague or mysteriously ominous posts on Facebook and/or Twitter.  It's annoying.  Just tell us  whatever it is you want to tell us.  For everyone else, let's agree not to ask "What's wrong?" when people do this.

8.  People who work in any type of store, including the supermarket and restaurants: if you are not a people person and don't like working with the public, you have the wrong job.  Please don't take that out on me.  I understand the public can be a**holes, but that is not my personal fault.

Picture this with people instead of
cats and that's the conversation in
line behind you.  Keep that in mind.
9.  People who are shopping at any type of store, including the supermarket, you need to have an endgame.  Before it's your turn in line.  This means that while you are waiting for your turn to pay you should make sure you have everything you need and any coupons - ready to go.  You should also have already thought about how you are going to pay.  You don't have to rush, but people want to kill you when it takes 10 minutes for you to fish through all your stuff to find your wallet or checkbook or coupon.  It was a long line, we're all still waiting and you had plenty of time to get ready.

I think the list looks pretty good for now.  I'm sure we can come up with more stuff to put on it, but if everyone (all people who are not us, who already know this stuff) agrees to follow these rules, the world will need a lot less Xanax.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Don't Worry Adam, You Still Have a Chance

Adam is handsome, but I do
have to say he could stand
 to eat a sandwich or two.
So, as some of you may recall, I mentioned in the past that Adam Levine is my secret boyfriend.  You may also recall that it's a secret because he doesn't know about it.  So, remember, mum's the word.  Especially now that we might break up.  I don't want him to be hurt.

Adam is not really my type, but for some reason I just totally dig him.  The issue is that I am now being pursued by someone else.  And he is totally hot.  I can also tell that he is very smart and sensitive and fun.  We haven't actually met or anything, but I'm sure that's how he is.  Yes, of course I am talking about David Gandy.

I put David's picture up (yes, we are on a first name basis) in my last post because I refused to put one up of Patraeus, about whom I was actually writing.  Right away David hinted we should go out some time.  He couldn't come right out and say it (because other fans would be jealous), but I knew that's what he was trying to tell me.  Because he is so discreet, he didn't contact me directly.  In the comment section of the post, his assistant sent me a personal message.

I have been asked to include
David's picture in all future posts.
He doesn't hurt your eyes any.
I will, of course, keep all of you posted on what happens, but Adam and I have been together for awhile and I'm not just going to drop him over one love letter.  We'll just have to see how things play out.

You might be thinking about now "What about The Party?"  "How does The Party feel about you dating Adam and/or David?"  He is totally fine with it.  Everyone knows that it is totally fine to date famous people, even if you are married.  So don't worry, we're all good here.  Plus, Party is handsome and smart and nice, so if Adam and/or David don't work out, I still have Party.  Kind of win-win-win for me.

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