Thursday, June 28, 2012

Tantrums and Tiaras

Apparently, even some toddlers
need to be Photoshopped.
I am totally going to be rich with my new idea!  And, if you see this on TV and I'm not rich, then someone stole my idea and you can all be my witnesses when we drag their stealing asses into court!  But, I jump ahead a little.

After yet another article about TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras, I realized what the real problem is.  Hold onto your hat for this one - these little kid beauty contests are stupid and ridiculous.  I know that sounds kind of obvious, but it's the why they are stupid and ridiculous that gave me my brilliant idea.

Why are we saying that the best and prettiest kids are ones who are dressed up to look like miniature adults?  Why are we spray tanning these children and giving them hair extensions?  Further, these parents spend more money than the kid can even win for each of the competitions.  Lesson for the kids?  If you wear enough make-up and "fix" everything about yourself and participate in endless, mind-numbing, non-child friendly activities, then you'll be the best and people will love and admire you?

Enter my idea for a contest that will make me rich when I get my own TV show and will actually be something that will show who the best child really is and teach the children involved things they can actually use in life, like patience and kindness.  I have to tell you, I would not be surprised if I get the Nobel Peace Prize for this.

Re-Vamped Toddler Beauty/Talent Contest

Ability to Stay Calm
Child will tested to see if she can avoid screaming and/or freaking out during progressively difficult challenges.  Last child to foam at the mouth wins.
Examples of challenges:
Promising child ice cream but then telling her that it's too close to dinner and she'll have to wait until after.
Child will be told her favorite color shirt is available, but then told it was a mistake.
Child will get to watch the beginning of a TV show but then be told she has to go to bed and watch the rest another day.

Winner - Loser
Further points lost for
Ability to Stay Clean
Child will be given an array of items to work with.  Last child to ruin her clothing wins.
Examples of challenges:
Child will be given a bowl of cereal and milk and a teaspoon.
Child will be given an ice cream sundae with chocolate ice cream and fudge.
Child will be given paints, brushes, paper, but no smock (just like school).

Ability to Be Polite
Child will interact in different ways with adults and children.  They cannot say or do anything that makes that person cringe, cry or flee. Extra points if they make the person smile or feel welcomed.
Examples of challenges/ disqualifying responses:
Child is introduced by her parent to an adult who compliments her outfit.  Child will be disqualified if she stares blankly or asks her mother if they can leave now.
Child is given a clean, beautiful American Girl doll to play with.  A dirty, sticky, snotty younger child will be sent over to ask contestant if she can play with the doll too.  Child will be disqualified if she smacks or shoves said child.  She will be fined additional points if she whacks child with the doll and shrieks "Noooooo!!  Get away, it's minnnneeeee!!!"
Child will be given a gift to unwrap.  Gift will be something that child is already known to have.  Child will be disqualified if she looks over at her parent with a look of disdain and huffs and says "I already have this"!  Further points will be deducted if child tosses said gift to the side and asks "Are there any other presents"?

I am sure it's good for your
kid to blast chemicals into her face.
Beauty/ Appearance
No child will be permitted to participate in contest if:
She is wearing make-up.
She has a tan - spray or real.
She has fake eyelashes or hair extensions.
She is wearing more than her own body weight in tulle.

Good, right?  This would be an awesome competition to watch.  How great would it be to watch some other  person's kid melt down for a change?  How happy would you be to see Smug Mommy defeated when her perfect child hauls off and throws a handful of sand at the sweet younger child who dared to ask for a turn on the swing?  I am telling you, this is pure gold.  I am already picturing all the advertisers who will be flocking to be a part of the show.  Commercials, product placement...I can see my ocean-view beach house already.

Further, if each  town or community ran their own contest, you would know who would make the most ideal playmates for your own child.  This is an especially good thing if your child tends to be snotty or sticky and has a tendency to ask the tidy, seemingly pleasant looking children to play.  Imagine the bruises and hurt feelings you could avoid.  Also, this contest would give you an idea which parents you might want to seek out or avoid.

I think we might leave out
the mother-daughter portion
for our contest.
Please do not worry.  When this takes off I will not forget all of you.  I am lovely that way and would never forget all the little people (ray of sunshine, remember)?  I am planning to invite all of you to act as the rotating cadre of judges.  You guys could all go out in your own towns and hold auditions for our national show.  Honestly, this is a brilliant plan.  It's a win for everyone and no one will ever have to set eyes on a fire baton-twirling, glitter eye shadow wearing, tulle-rific dress wearing child again.  The winner will still get a tiara though, because, well, duh...who doesn't love a tiara?

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


They are all like this.
Some are just cuter.
As I have said before, I am not sure which is more frustrating; dealing with a teenage boy now or when I was actually a teenager.  It really is a toss up.  On one hand, as an adult, I can more than win any battle of wits or words against my child.  On the other hand, I can't really use all my weapons as that would be mean and hurtful.  Unlike when I was a teenager, I can't just say "you're an a**hole" and give him the finger.  I mean, I could, but who would that really hurt?  I'm the one who will be paying for his therapy.

Thankfully, for the most part, Boy is not too troublesome.  He is mostly just baffling, as most male people are wont to be.  Our most current topic of confusion is smell.  Yes, smell.  As in "can't you smell that?"  I don't understand how if I can smell you from another floor in the house, you can't smell you.  At all.  Even a little.

And now I think I see
how the problem got started.
And let me just tell you something else, it's not just Boy with this problem.  But, we'll address that later on.  Right now we can discuss Boy and his inability to realize Axe body wash is an olfactory assault on all and is probably giving him brain damage.  Axe offers an array of scents, all of which are awful.  I honestly don't know what appeal it has to the teenage boy set.  They go from not wanting to shower at all (and not noticing their own BO) to believing you can never smell too "irresistible."  I am not sure where boys get this idea in that I am pretty sure no teenage girl ever said "You smell awesome!  I love when my eyes water like that."  There is no doubt in my mind that Axe (and other over-cologned products) are created by men/boys/male chimpanzees.

So, I recently solved the body wash issue by replacing it with something less fragrant.  I didn't mention I had switched it and no one said a word about it.  Problem solved, right?  Despite this, I kept smelling that cologne-y smell whenever Boy was nearby or if I entered an area he had just been.  Not sure what was going on, I checked the shower.  Nope, Axe body wash not in sight anywhere.  Then I saw the culprit.  Old Spice deodorant.  Apparently on one of Boy's first independent driving forays he went to Target, and being drunk with power, purchased said deodorant (and Lysol wipes - no I don't know why).  In several different, subtle ways I suggested to Boy that he stop wearing the Old Spice.  I used his allergies and skin sensitivity repeatedly.  To no avail.  Finally, I had to come right out and say the deodorant was giving me a headache and that people should not be able to smell your deodorant.  

Not one to reach the extra inch and pick up the unscented deodorant next to the smelly one, I smelled Boy leaving the next day for school and immediately went up to his bathroom and threw away (in a trashcan in the garage) the Old Spice.  He hasn't even said a word about it and I have no idea if he's even noticed.  Yet, another thing about males that makes one wonder.

Back to the other male who lives here with smell issues.  Thankfully, the Party does not have BO and he can occasionally tell when something smells.  The problem here is he likes when stuff has a smell.  When I hug Party, my nose is very near his armpit.  I don't want to smell powder fresh or rugged outdoors or woodsy manliness, or whatever other dumbass name they give these things.  I want to smell nothing.  That is why it's called DEodorant.  Not OTHERodorant.  Party also loves him some Vapo-Rub and Ben-Gay.  He has more call to use the Ben-Gay, so that's a more frequent discussion.  I can come in through the garage and smell that stuff two stories up.  He doesn't see what the problem is.  He says that it smells like a wint-o-green lifesaver and he knows I like wint-o-green lifesavers.  Yes, but not a pack of them shoved up my nose.

Teenage Girl Natural Habitat
Obviously, there are many, many, many more ways in which teenage boys, and male humans in general, are baffling and confusing.  Like I have the kind of time it would take to discuss all those ways.  We'd be here forever!  Also, let's not forget that I need to leave time to discuss my 14-year-old daughter.  She is a whole other ball of wax, albeit, a less smelly one.

Monday, June 4, 2012

The World Isn't Ending, So There's That

Unless the zombies are
 going to sing and dance,
 I'm not interested.
The Mayans and that old guy have both been wrong about the world ending, so you know, that's good and all. But, there does seem to be the tiniest little glitch in that we may or may not be having a zombie apocalypse.  Yes, I am talking about that freak from Florida who ate the homeless guy's face.  Ate.  His face.  For no reason at all.  And then, didn't react to the first bullet that police hit him with.  It took a second one to kill him.  No one seems to have much information on the guy and toxicology reports are pending.

I have this uneasy feeling, by the way you hear people talking, that there are those who are entertaining the notion that this guy could have been an actual zombie and we'll know for sure when the reports come back.  Sigh.  And whistle.  He's not a zombie!  There's really not too much mystery here.  We have a man who got naked and decided to snack on some sleeping homeless guy.  Really think about how hard it would be to bite off pieces of a person's face and then eat them.  This is our big clue friends.  We either have regular psychotic bat crap crazy or drug-induced psychotic bat crap crazy.

If this is not enough, there is a college student (Morgan State University) accused of killing his roommate and then eating his heart and brain.  Do you think the roommate always knew this guy was off?  There are no details of how/why this happened.  What kind of reporting is that, btw?  Note to self, I think I will suggest to Boy that he not apply there next year.  Why court trouble?

In an attempt to avoid public panic, the CDC has issued a statement denying the existence of zombies.  This article is a good wrap-up of the disgusting recent events and gives an informative description of what a zombie is.  One does have to wonder, however, how the CDC has time to stop real work and address this.  Why is anyone in any kind of official capacity lending credence to the ridiculous idea that there could be zombies?  Will they next be announcing there are no vampire, monsters or werewolves?

I notice the sign didn't use
any pictures of babies
flying around the highway.
For those of you who might be thinking that all of this hideous behavior is due to hard drugs and think that if you only smoke pot you are safe.  Think again.  Catalina Clouser of Phoenix admits to smoking pot before she put her baby on top of her car and drove away.  Seems that, in the few seconds between putting her baby down and opening her car door, she forgot about the baby.  Thankfully, the baby is completely fine despite flying off the car and landing in an intersection.  We don't want to be too harsh with Catalina since she didn't drive drunk and she did strap the baby into the car seat.  She didn't even try (in zombie-like fashion) to eat any of her baby's fingers or toes.  She's practically mother of the year.

Hey!  Wait a minute!  Maybe
there is such a thing as zombies!
Here is some more scary news, albeit less bloody and gruesome.  The Jacksons are going out on tour again!  I know!!  Pourquoi??  I loved the Jackson 5 and even the 1980s Jacksons as much as the next person, but I don't think this tour is going to go into the win column.  Without Michael, none of these guys have been able to maintain a music career for more than 5 minutes at a time.  Jermaine had the longest go of it, but even he couldn't pull it off.  Plus, I am boycotting him anyway.  One, he had/still has a jheri curl long past when anyone was still desperately clinging to it.  Two, he named one of his children Jermajesty.  Yes, that gets a whistle.  Oh, and I just looked him up on Wikipedia and apparently he (Jermaine) is also known as Mohammad Abdul Aziz.  Known to whom?  Before I just told you, pretty sure the only person who knew about it was the person who submitted it to Wikipedia.  And maybe Jermaine.

Handy Summary
1.  World not currently ending.  Don't quit your job just yet.  Or sell your kids' stuff.
2.  There is something wrong with some people.  Really wrong.
3.  There is no such thing as zombies.  The government is not really sure you get that.
4.  If you do actually want to see the Jacksons they'll be at the Borgota in AC on June 29th.
5.  Cee Lo Green is not a zombie, but we really have to discuss him next time.

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