Thursday, June 30, 2011

I Would Like To Thank The Academy

I am nothing if not
 lovely.  Ask anyone
who knows me.
My friend over at Funambulism For Beginners (There's a word for you - because I like you I won't make you go look it up - it means tightrope walking) nominated me for the One Lovely Blog Award.  It is essentially a blogging chain letter in that you have to write 7 things about yourself (or seem ungrateful for the compliment you've been given) and then pass on the nomination to other blogs you like.  Since it was nice of FFB to name me and because I need something to write so my friend Steffi will quit badgering me on my Facebook page, I thought I would tell you 7 things about myself and point you in the direction of some other fun blogs.


Now the key here is to tell you 7 things you don't know, but would actually care about.  This will probably be less interesting for those of you who know me.  But wait, I could write a few that aren't even real and then the people who know me will think they are finding out something fun and new.  We'll see how it goes.


1.  Many people are surprised when I tell them I am only 5'2" (and a half).  I have heard a million times, "You seem taller than that" (honestly, I have).  So, for those of you hoping to affect a taller appearance, apparently, loud=tall.


2.  I almost 44 (oh my God).  I met my husband when I was 19.  In July we will have been married for 19 years.  You got worried for a second that there was math problem coming up, didn't you?


3.  My husband I both went to University of Delaware.  His sister and my brother both went to University of Delaware.  His father went to University of Delaware.  Boy says he wants to go to University of Delaware.  Hopefully any of this will help get him in or maybe get us a discount/ free t-shirt.


4.  Before the avalanche, when I was skiing in the Alps, I was poised to take over as the face of Lancome.  Lancome unceremoniously backed out, stating they couldn't wait the 6 months for my bionic eye to be perfected.


5.  I originally wanted to be a lawyer.  Due to average grades in college, I did not get into law school (this was not surprising).  When I had enough work experience that my grades wouldn't matter as much, I didn't want to go anymore.  Instead I went to graduate school (Villanova) and have a masters degree in Human Resource Development.  I still wouldn't mind going to law school and becoming a lawyer, but I am not sure why since I don't think I really want to practice law.  


6.  About 5 years ago I started playing tennis.  I played around at it as a kid and always liked sports, but I hadn't done anything athletic as an adult.  I think I do pretty well and am pretty fast considering I am overweight and not in awesome shape.  It's very fun and I totally get to count our lessons as cardio/ exercise. I wish I could play every day.


7.  Despite being aggravated (by purposeful instigating) a lot of the time, I really adore my children and husband.  The Party and I still talk every day about anything cute or funny or annoying one of the kids did.  We think they are totally awesome and smart and gorgeous.  We both agree the growing into big people thing is bullshit.  Party is a really great dad and that makes me love him even more than I did before we had kids.


Oh look, I did 7 already and didn't even have to make anything up.  Excellent.


I am going to list blogs I would nominate/that I like.  Some of them have already played this game, but at least you'll know where to go look for some fun (legal, non-alcohol related fun).  Maybe some of them will give us a list of 7 things.  I didn't list them below, but if you look to the right, you can click right on the buttons for Pregnant Chicken and Stark.Raving.Mad.Mommy.  As you know, I adore them.











Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I Would Recognize That Knee Anywhere

Packing a child to go to overnight camp is akin to packing to go to college.  The difference is that your child is going for a fraction of the time and bringing three times the amount of stuff.  I would actually say that it's more like the packing the pioneers must have done when they headed west, never to return to the their homes.  Of course, the pioneers did not bring flat irons, regular sneakers, basketball sneakers, soccer cleats, sandals, and eleventy million pairs of flip-flops.


Here's the other thing; when you go to college, you can use whatever suitcase or trash bags you want.   And, you can bring as many bags as will fit in your car.  Not so with camp packing.  Camp bags are usually shipped to camp (a week or so ahead of the campers, who still NEED everything in said bags).  Usually you send two bags.  These bags are in lieu of old-fashioned hard trunks.  Some are shaped like big rectangles (picture a soft-sided trunk) and some are just giant duffel bags.  The giant duffel bag is big enough to comfortably fit two five-foot tall people.   Even if the two people are both extra fat.  And even then, they'd have room to play cards in there.


SB is 3rd from left.  You can
see, by the corner of her head
and her foot, that she is
having a blast.


These bags are then packed until they are bursting at the seams and not movable by humans.  Once collected (by Terminator-strength androids) they are then handled with the same gentleness as your luggage is when you hand it over at the airport.  Oh wait!  I forgot!  Before you can pack a single item, you must first put your child's name (using labels or markers) on all 1,162 items, including toiletries, shoes and sports equipment.  Rest assured, you will ruin several shirts by writing in the wrong spot, allowing the marker to bleed through so people can see your child's name (backwards) through said shirts.  No big deal though since about 85% of campers have this going on and it passes as normal.


Okay then.  Campers and bags have both been dispatched to camp and you breathe a sigh of relief.  Then you realize the child who has been annoying you and uncooperative during the whole process is gone!! (Her father may not be speaking to you as he blames you for her absence).  But don't worry friends, no need to panic.  You can now begin your obsessive web site checking to see if your child's picture has been posted.  Camps now post pictures every day so you have a clue what your child is up to (and can be assured that they are still alive).  Letters from campers are useless for this information as they will not contain the answers to any questions you may have asked.  Said letters will only contain complaints and requests for items to be brought on visiting day.


Way on the left, purple shorts,
white tee, that may be the
back of SB, clearly enjoying
morning line-up.


But back to the picture hunting.  Each day there will be approximately 150 or so pictures posted by camp.  They are thumbnail size.  Unless you want to go through all these pictures individually (you will not want to), you have to try to determine, via the tiny view, if your child "might" be in the picture.  This means you will end up looking at about 25 full-sized pictures, only one of which will contain a picture of your child.  By "picture" I mean that with arduous detective work you will be able to spot an elbow, ponytail or sneaker that may possibly belong to your child.  Sadly, you will thrill at this slight glimpse.


After about 2 weeks of this endeavor you will start to send your child angry letters asking why she cannot possibly position herself in front of a camera when she sees pictures are being taken.  You may even threaten to call camp and demand that your child be photographed more regularly, like that obnoxious (not so cute) camera-hog kid who is in like a million fabulous action shots.


Once camp ends and your child and her belongings are returned to you, you will again sigh in relief.  You will be happy that your child had a great summer and that your money was well-spent.  Then, you will realize that all 1,162 items must be unpacked and washed (read sanitized and de-smelled).  Now.  Because she NEEDS everything in said bags.  And no, she will not know how, when she is the one who packed to come home, she has someone else's comforter and shoes.


2006, first year of camp.
Even from the back, we can
see how happy she is and
how much she loves basketball.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Summer is Here

There should be $ in the
middle to warn you.
As far as I am concerned, summer is, as of Saturday, officially here.  School ended about a week ago, so we had a week of not-school/not-summer.  I say this because regular activities were over but summer activities hadn't started yet.  You wouldn't think so, but this is a very expensive week.  I inevitably spend a ton of money entertaining the troops and buying last minute things for camp.  As my friend Kim says, Target is the $100 Store (unlike its cheaper and more boring cousin, the Dollar Store).


The reason I say Saturday was the start is that Saturday is when SB left for overnight camp.  This is her 6th year and she goes for 7 weeks.  Those who are unfamiliar with/didn't go to/hated overnight camp are usually stunned/appalled that I would send a child away for that long.  Poor Party had never even imagined overnight camp (or day camp for that matter) until he met me and moved to the area where I grew up.  Here, lots of people go to either day or overnight camp and it's totally non-noteworthy.


This picture is an
understatement of
what packing for camp
is like. Way Under.

That said, The Party and I both miss SB a really lot.  Party, however, is a little bitter and blames "me" for sending away his daughter to "that place."  He ignores that he agreed with the decision and that she LOVES camp and that the girls all call each other "summer sisters."  How sweet is that?  "Whatever, you're stupid" is usually the response.  As you know, this is our default conversation and I reply with "No, you're stupid."  I sometimes throw in "and annoying" just to mix it up a little.


On Monday Boy will start his summer activity, which is day camp.  He has gone to the same camp since he was 6 and is now a junior counselor.  This bit of awesomeness means instead of me paying a boatload of money to send him to camp, they pay him!  I am using the word "pay" loosely as I believe it breaks down to like 16 cents an hour - but still, doesn't cost me money, so it's a win.  I will take this time now to point out to you that the child who thinks I am "mean like Hitler" and wants to file to become emancipated, has never wanted to leave to go to overnight camp.


So, starting tomorrow, I don't have to get up at 6:15am, I don't have to make any lunches and I don't have to drive anyone anywhere all day.  As fate would have it, people still are insisting on dinner of some nature, so there's still that, but I guess I'll be able to manage.


In the world outside my house, I did find out (thank you Linda) that both Kathleen Madigan and Wanda Sykes will be coming to the Keswick Theatre (not at the same time).  So, if you live in the Philadelphia area, you can check out the web site.  Some other good stuff is there as well.  And, since I am getting old, I will tell you that while the Keswick has too small squishy seats, the fact that it's a smaller venue is a big draw for me.  Seeing a show/concert there is not the giant production it is like when we go to the Wachovia Center or Citizen's Bank Park.  Also, parking is way less of a hassle.  Ugh.  The only thing left is for me to start going to places only when it's light out.  I guess we are starting to see why the elderly are big fans of the 4:30pm early bird dinner.

Black is the dress-up version.
Don't be embarrassed, we ALL
have a relative who wears
these.  Don't lie, you do too.

Oh wait, I don't wear white elastic waistband polyester pants(flood length) with white velcro sneaks/shoes, so I think I'm still good.  Since we are on this topic, I will tell you/warn you that I am relatively certain that in order to collect Social Security you have to prove you own a pair of velcro shoes.  Don't believe me?  Walk yourself into ANY senior citizen independent/assisted living facility and let me know the number of non-velcro shoe wearers you find.  Maybe a few independently wealthy people, but that's it.

Friday, June 24, 2011

But I Think It's Funny, And That's What Counts

You may (or may not) have noticed that I am kind of off schedule with the posting.  I was posting Monday through Thursday every week until summer break started.  Now I am on summer hours.  I am posting when I feel like it, which usually corresponds with my need for attention and adult interaction.  I have been spending a lot of time with my two teenagers and I am feeling somewhat punchy.  This usually causes my brain-to-mouth filter not to work so well (because we all know that otherwise it's spot on).

In general, it seems that everyone is not as amused by me or what I think is funny as I am/do.  The Party pretends he's one of those people, as do my children.  Obviously The Party thinks the same things are funny that I do or he would have never married me or made people with me.  And really, who cares if the kids think I am funny, what do they know?

or vodka, or tequila

So, I have decided to compile a list of stuff that I think is funny.  A lot of this stuff never gets old and is funny every time.  Kind of a "get to know the inner DTC" list.

1.  When The Party is in his underwear shaving, I will walk up behind and pants him.  He is annoyed every time, but it cracks me up every time, so I have to go with it.  He never does this to me because, clearly, that's  not funny.

2.  Kathleen Madigan, Wanda Sykes, Jim Gaffigan and Louis C.K.  There are others who are funny too, but I pretty much love everything that comes out of these people's mouths.

3.  The picture from my post the other day of the guy smoking a cigarette out of a hole in his throat.  I know it's not supposed to be funny, but for some reason the picture (not the concept in real life) just cracks me up because it's trying to be all serious, only the smoker doesn't look that upset.
You see what I
mean, right?
4.  Smart ass answers/comments during doctor's visits.  Just so you know, doctors are rarely amused.  They don't appreciate when I self-diagnose myself with things like Consumption or Meningitis.  Also, when you tell them that you don't smoke, but did as a teenager because it was cool, they refuse to laugh.

5.  Any time someone says they can't hear (for whatever reason) I answer "what?"  You would not believe how many times the same person will fall for this and repeat what they said.  That's always a good one.

6.  Books by Jen Lancaster and Celia Rivenbark.  I know I have said this before, but if you haven't read them, your life is sadly empty and you don't even realize it.  Go read them.

7.  Friends, Will and Grace, King of Queens, Murphy Brown, Mad About You.

It's important to bond
with your children, like I do.
8.  When my kids tell me they aren't talking to me I ask "Do you mean for right now or forever?"  They are never amused by this.  I always am because it further vexes them when they are being ridiculous.  Similarly, The Party will sometimes announce (for no discernible reason) that "we are not speaking."  I usually ask him if we could do it more quietly.  Oh the laughs never end (mine that is).

9.  Singing or dancing in the car.  It's not meant to be funny, but if you are going to react like I am running naked through your school, then I am going to continue with louder singing and more animated dancing.  What is wrong with you that you haven't figured out that if you say nothing, I'll eventually grow bored and stop on my own?

Picture I used in a past
 post which I still
find very amusing.
10.  Ten seems like a good round number, but I can't think of anything else right now.  So, if you can come up with a universally funny (the universe is really just us) thing I can use for number ten, share it.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Give A Little Whistle...

Just to fill in those who don't know, I have a whistle.  I decided I needed one to blow at annoying people - both in and out of my house.  The Party was vehemently against it and thought no one in their right mind would allow me to have a whistle.  But, as you would expect, he was mistaken.  My friend Terrie made me a beautiful, bejeweled whistle with a sparkly beaded chain with my name on it.  Please admire said whistle in the  picture below.  Luckily, it's still early enough that you have time to tell your loved ones you'd like a similar one come holiday time.  It's a gift that keeps giving.
Isn't it beautiful?  I had to
insure it due to fear it would
be stolen/ stomped on.


So, I actually had to stop looking at the news stories because I was getting so annoyed at the whistle-worthiness of so many of them.  And, if I listed all the stories, it would fill an entire week's worth of posts.  I have listed the ones that I am finding most vexing.


1.  A 56-year-old Louisville, Ky man SHOT at some kids who rang his doorbell and ran away, hitting a 12 year old in the back, seriously injuring him.  Yes, children are hideously annoying, but clearly this was an over-the-top response.  What is wrong with you that you would shoot at children with a shotgun!?!?!


2.  This one's getting a whistle AND a smack.  David Tyree, wide receiver for the New York Giants has come out publicly against gay marriage.  He believes that if NewYork passes the bill allowing gay marriage, that our country will be sliding towards anarchy.  Really?  Anarchy?  Maybe look up the meaning of that word.  He goes on to say that two same-sex parents are not equipped to raise a different sex child.  "You can't teach something that you don't have...so two men will never be able to teach a woman how to be a woman."  That is fascinating.  Wonder what he thinks of the ability of single, heterosexual parents to raise opposite-sex children.  I am sure that divorced and widowed parents everywhere will appreciate knowing that their children are clearly doomed.  


3.  A San Francisco-based group is against circumcision, calling it genital mutilation.  They are looking to have it banned for an assortment of reasons.  Sociologist Amitai Etzioni explains, among other things, in this article how circumcision has a fraction of the rate of complications of ear piercing, and we wouldn't dream of outlawing that.  If you are interested, you can go read it, but the main reason this group is getting a whistle is that they are ridiculous.  There are so many children out there who truly need to be saved from real things that affect their day-to-day lives, like hunger and abuse.  Have you ever, even once, heard a child complain that he was circumcised?  Even if this is a real problem, it waaaaayyyy low on the list of problems in the world.  Find something useful to do with your time.  You know what, I am giving this a whistle AND smack too.


DTC Quiz - which is
expensive salon style
and which is real bed
head?  Winner doesn't
get whistled at.
4.  This is a really good one.  Newest Hollywood hair fad is "bed head."  Hello, if you have to go to a salon and have it professionally "bedded" you have kind of missed the point.  If you look gorgeous and tousle-y when you wake up, by all means, go for it.  But, I don't need one more famous person pretending that their hot, glamorous look is just happenstance.  Do we not have enough photo shopped beautifulness to compete with already?




5.  This is a whistle, smack and kick in the junk (for dad and husband).  I am sorry, I don't care one bit about true love transcending age, a 51-year-old man and a 16-year-old girl getting married is gross.  And the fact that the girl's parent or parents gave consent for this to happen just tells me they should lose custody of their child (well, I guess they already have).  The man of whom I speak is Doug Hutchison, of "The Green Mile" and "Lost."  His new bride is Courtney Stodd, a country singer ( never heard of her).  Her dad thinks Doug is just the nicest guy ever.  So what if he's nice!?!?!  A 51-year-old who is a good match with a 16-year-old should be avoided like the plague.


Does smoking out
of a whole in your
throat help you
not have cigarette
breath?
6.  This last one gets a whistle, but did make me laugh.  Me laughing at the graphic was probably not the intended response.  The FDA has decided that by mid-2013 cigarette packages will have to carry a picture to go along with whatever warning is on the package and that the picture must take up at least 50% of the package.  The picture shown is of a man smoking out of his neck ( I am laughing right now, I'm horrible).  I know it is isn't funny, but the artsy picture seems to look more artsy than ominous.  I just keep picturing the scene in "Beatlejuice" where the lady in charge of heaven/ghosts is talking in a rough, gravelly voice, smoking out if her neck.  The whistle actually goes to the smokers, who will still smoke despite the package essentially screaming at them "you will die!"  As you know, people in general are not known for taking a hint or a word to the wise.


7.  My last whistle is for the state of Pennsylvania's Department of Transportation.  They felt that my son should have a learner's permit to drive a car.  If my son drives a car, it is much harder for me to sell that I am 25.  Yes, I know that looking at me accomplishes the same thing, but whatever.  I did not sign on to be the mother of someone who will try to take years off my life by driving a car.  No thank you!!   As an aside, The Party and I actually agree on this, so I guess it's nice that we are bonding, but again, whatever. 

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Let My People Go

The picture below got me thinking that perhaps the reason there is so much discrepancy and argument regarding  religious matters is that early on there was a glitch, i.e., some lost or forgotten or revised information.  The picture shows the 10 Commandments as a summary of the bible.  Now, I have to say, that if you were forced to summarize all of Judaism in just 10 "rules," I think these 10 would certainly be front runners.  I don't think you will find too many people who would have a problem with any of them.  In regard to Christianity, they might want something about Jesus thrown in there too, I'm not sure.  You can discuss it among yourselves. 
You see how this called
my name, right?
I felt this picture was a sign that I should offer my interpretations of events.  Here's what I think was going on around the time the Jews left Egypt:


As you can imagine, God is not in the best mood.  The Egyptians are not cooperating and he is forced to come up with a gang-o-plagues to get the them to understand he means business.  Even then, once the Jews tried to leave, God had to part the Red Sea to help them get across quickly since the Egyptians changed their mind and were coming to recapture the Jews.  He then had to close it back up on the Egyptians.  God does not feel happy at having to employ such tough love measures.
God did a better job with
some plagues than others.
Moving on, the Jews are headed for Israel.  At one point they stop and set up camp for awhile.  Moses heads up Mount Sinai for a pow wow with God.  This is where the trouble starts.  God is talking to Moses and Moses appears to be taking all sorts of notes.  Moses ends up being up there for 40 days and nights.  About halfway through the first day, Moses realizes God is a talker and he better just start summarizing what he's saying or his hand will fall off.  Soooo, after 40 days Moses heads back with his summary, aka the 10 Commandments.  He figures that'll be enough of a start for the "How to be a Jew" manual and he can just wing it with the rest of the details.


About halfway down the mountain, God says "Oh wait Moses, one more thing..."  Moses, who is tired and crabby at this point says "Ahhhhhhhh!  What?!?!" and slams down the tablets containing the 10 Commandments.  Of course they break all over the ground and God is pissed off.  So, God, seeing that there doesn't appear to be 40 days worth of notes on those tablets, calls Moses back up the mountain, has him re-write his "summary" and then tells him that for being such an ass about the whole thing and complaining about having to write for 40 days, he can go back to the people and explain to them that they will now be wandering the desert for 40 years thanks to Moses's ungrateful attitude.


Moses heads back down again and is trying to figure out how he's going to explain the whole 40 years in the desert thing without getting his ass kicked.  As fate would have it, Moses caught a break.  He sees that in his absence the rest of the Jews have been back to praying to a golden calf.  Now, in fairness to the Jews, Moses hadn't yet returned with the official final edition of the one god only rule, so they were really just hedging their bets a little if Moses didn't show back up - I mean he was gone a long time.
Where would they get a
golden anything?  I don't even
think that's real gold.
Jumping on this opportunity, Moses freaks out at everyone and says that God saw what they were doing and he is so mad that he is making them all wander the desert for 40 years.  He lets the Jews think that the whole thing was their fault and doesn't mention his little altercation.


From then on, throughout the history of religion, there has been debate on whether the bible was God's exact words sent through a human hand or was instead, divinely inspired.  Now you see why that is.  You know there was no way Moses was able to remember everything God said, so some stuff is more exact than others.  The End.


If you are interested in more of my biblical interpretations, please visit me at www.probablygoingtohell.com. 

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Handy Survival Tips

Some time back in the winter I posted Suggestions For Family Harmony.  This was a short list I thought would help my family live more calmly and peacefully and perhaps keep them from sustaining any personal injuries.  I was apparently too gentle and loving in my phrasing.  Plus, it would seem that I left out what I would have thought were suggestions that didn't actually need to be articulated.


Since clearly, it was my own misjudgment that has landed us here; humans acting like they were raised in the forest by wolves, I will now enumerate some of the finer points of living as a normal human being in society.  You may all feel free to use any of these suggestions to help your own families.  I am sorry if my list sounds harsh, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

See, this girl loves the rules.
Rules make her life
happy and orderly.
1.  If there is something in your doorway, right by your door, or very close to your door, there is a very good chance that it was put there as a sign to you to take it in your room and put it away.  If you examine the item closely, you will see that it belongs to you or is something you need or asked for.  That should give you a further clue that the item should go in your room.  Moving it out of the way of your door, but leaving it on the floor nearby so you can pass shows me you saw said item.  This also shows me that you must love the sound of my voice bellowing throughout the house in search of you and whatever lame-ass explanation you are going to try to give me.

2.  If I ask you to do something or tell you we are doing something or going somewhere, it is perfectly acceptable to occasionally just say "okay Mom, no problem."  I honestly don't need to hear all the reasons why you don't want to do something or go somewhere.  I wasn't taking a poll, I was just giving information and/or giving directions.  

Footstool is on left.  It is small and
nothing in our house looks like that.
Please note ottoman is not
advertised with anyone's sneakers on it.
3.  I don't care how many times you say the word "footstool," my upholstered ottoman is still not and never will be a footstool.  I don't want the bottom of your shoes on it.  Bend down or sit down and tie your shoes like a normal person.  Keep your shoes off my ottoman.  Your shoes don't go on the ottoman, it's not a footstool.  There are no footstools where you can put your feet in our house.  I hope that I have said this in a way that is clear to you that I don't want your shoes on the ottoman.  The words "sofa" and "bed" can also be substituted for ottoman here.  And please God, don't let me hear you've done this at other people's houses.

4.  If you are going to the trouble of actually going into the closet where your hamper is, go the extra mile and put your dirty clothes IN the hamper, not next to it.  What the F is that?  You are right there!

5.  When you borrow something of mine (especially without asking) and don't put it back, act sorry when I am pissed off about it.  When you act indignant, like *I* am somehow the problem, that just makes me even more mad.  Remove the phrase "it wasn't my fault" from your vocabulary.  It is your fault.  We all know it's your fault.  Either be sorry or pretend to be sorry and take the crap you have coming your way and then we can all move on with our lives.


Out of the goodness of
my heart, I won't tell you
which child this is.
I don't want to overwhelm anyone, so I will stop at 5.  Hopefully, this list will make more of an impression than the original one.  Boy (speaking for all three) has often informed me that I am a fascist dictator.  Like that is going to make my rules/observations less true and accurate.  Since there is no way he and SB could ever get along long enough (or get The Party on board), to form a coup, they are just going to have to suck it up and act right and not like the the uncivilized foundlings I've been meaning to tell them they are.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Collaborative Effort

You know that I feel duty-bound to keep you all up to date on all matters of import on the current events front.  Today I will be able to get you up to speed with only the most urgent.  "Why" you may ask?  Well, several other matters have been brought to my attention as things that should be discussed here.  Being the ray of sunshine that I am, I of course want to accommodate my friends and family.  So, without further delay...


Apparently, God supports
pre-school graduation.
Graduations.  The Party, having garnered what amounted to zero support for his "Sarah Palin as hot librarian" political position, feels certain he will get more takers on this front.  I guess we will see.  The Party feels that any "graduation" that is not for high school or college is not a real graduation and is "bullshit."  Pre-school, kindergarten, elementary school, middle school - all ridiculous.  He sees why people want to mark the end of one thing and celebrate moving on to another, milestones if you will, but the whole idea of a formal "graduation" program is what he is against.


Party feels that anyone with a paying job should be exempt from having to take off from work to attend a daytime event of this nature.   He doesn't actually want to go to any of them at night, but had a harder time coming up with a reason why job holders shouldn't have to go (other than not wanting to).  The fact that many of the venues for these events are not properly air-conditioned doesn't help any.


So, what do you think?  The Party is right on the money or he is wrong wrong wrong and has no sense of fun?  I will throw into the mix that Party has attended all "graduations" for his own children thus far and always attends anything they are participating in, even when he doesn't want to.  So, even if you disagree with him, he does get credit with me for being a good sport (well, a little crabby, but still).


brilliance and awesomeness
Next, a lot of people have already heard of this book and even seen the text for it.  "Go The F*ck To Sleep" is written by Adam Mansbach.  For those of you who don't know, the book's format and pictures might lead one to believe that it's a children's book, but it most certainly is not.  It's hi-larious!!  This link is of the author giving a dramatic reading.  My friend Irina felt we all needed to see this and discuss the book's myriad merits.  Very impressive that the author reads so eloquently without cracking a smile.


On to the news.  I don't like to think of any of you just walking around on your own without at least something to talk about that will show that you are a mature, adult member of society.  Like me.  It's important to seem worldly and knowledgeable.  


Sports is what you most need to know about right now.  It's a couple days old, but people are still discussing basketball and if you haven't figured out what's going on, this should help you.  Finally, basketball is done.  The Dallas Mavericks (as opposed to the Palin/ McCain mavericks) beat the Miami Heat (not heat).  It is apparently an appalling state of affairs because the Heat have gotten a lot hype as being "the" team since they got LeBron James and some other guys people seem to like.  (Don't worry about who the other ones are, you aren't going to get into that deep a conversation over it).  LeBron is all sad and pitiful about the whole thing. I guess the millions of dollars didn't ease the pain of losing.  Personally, it would help me get over it before I even hit the locker room, but that's just me.


This is what people think of
hockey in June.  Snore.
You also should know, despite the ridiculousness of it, that hockey isn't over yet!!  I know!  WTF, right?  Anyway, the Stanley Cup playoffs will go to a 7th and final game on Wednesday.  For those of you, who don't automatically know what that means, it means each team has won 3 games so far.  You should definitely know that the two teams are the Boston Bruins and the Vancouver Canucks.  Vancouver is in Canada, not the United States.  Do NOT let anyone think you don't know that, otherwise everything you say after that will be moot.


If you follow baseball, the Phillies are in first place in the National League East.  I have to say "east" because it turns out there is National League South, Southwest, Northwest, Northeast, or something excessive like that.  Same for the American League.  American League East leaders are currently the Red Sox.  I live in the East, so I didn't look up the other 100 sub-divisions of each league.  Who decided to make so many divisions?  And, why didn't they just divide National and American either north/south or east/west?  Why are there two separate leagues that encompass the whole country?  I don't like how this is arranged at all.  Entirely too convoluted.  There is no way to just know if a team is National or American.  And why those names?  How about just the East baseball league and the West baseball league?  Way easier to follow my way.  Just saying.


Lastly, if you did not watch the Tony Awards (I did not), you should watch this clip of Neil Patrick Harris doing the opening number.  It's very cute/clever and it will immediately catch you up enough on cultural goings-on that you'll be good to go for a few days.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Funny not Stupid

like Jackass, but for "smart"
people.  I don't think they
were trying to be funny
though.   Joke's on them.
There seems to be a good number of people on the planet who are not able to distinguish between funny and stupid.  Admittedly, the line between the two is often blurred, but we have a LOT of folks who are so far past the line you have to wonder if perhaps they have suffered a brain injury at some point.  There is also a similar line between funny and crazy.  Lotta issues along that line also.  Think MTV's "Jackass."  Hard to know which of the two categories to call that.


Thinking along those lines, there seems to be a lot going on lately that could fall into either or both of those categories.  "Funny not Slutty" is an awesome blog and Facebook page (they know the difference between funny and stupid/crazy).  They have a whole women and comedy thing working.  It's kind of like a constant party going on over there.  You should totally go check them out.  Anyway, on their Facebook page I repeatedly saw, in the last week or so, video clips with the heading "Victoria Jackson for President."  I kept not having time to check it out, but intended to go back and look because I always thought Victoria was funny.


Vicky says Glee is trying to
 turn our kids gay.  I wonder if
it works on adults too.
So I finally went back.  Um, it turns out, Victoria Jackson has flown, at warp speed, right past funny into crazy.  With a little stupid thrown in for good measure.  What "Funny not Slutty" was doing on Facebook was mocking Victoria Jackson.  People have been posting their own videos pretending to be her.  Definitely worth the watch.  Not quite understanding, I looked up Victoria to see where this was coming from.  "Wow" is all I have to say.  First I watched part of her appearance on Fox News (I think they were a little surprised as well).  She also has a YouTube clip of herself singing the song she wrote about Obama being a communist.  She gives/sings examples as well and doesn't understand why everyone doesn't see it.


Jackson is extremely alarmed about homosexuality, teenage STDs, current TV programming, America's love of communism and Muslims.  Oh, and she totally loves Sarah Palin.  I would actually be interested to know if Sarah welcomes that support and sees her as a kindred spirit or is hoping no one gives Victoria her phone number or e-mail address.  Wait!  Almost forgot.  She is not happy that Glee is trying to turn kids gay.


Another not so funny train wreck is Tracy Morgan.  Having seen some of his past comedy, I tend to think he goes past funny into tasteless and cringe-worthiness on most topics.  He always seems pretty impressed with himself in general and I don't think his level of funny lives up to his hype.  But that's just me.  Except for now.  Now, it's not just me.  Now he's made enough people cringe that he had to publicly apologize.  Tracy, on one of his rants, went pretty hard at homosexuals and was criticized for promoting violence towards them.  He also threatened to beat his own kid if he acted gay.  That's always nice.


And this appears to be our
hope for the future cure of
cancer.  Awesome.


So you shouldn't think that just famous people don't know the difference between funny and stupid or crazy, I thought I would share with you a fun game that is costing people their jobs AND LIVES!!  It's called planking.  Please note that in the picture you don't see the person who got killed because they were planking across two balconies and fell to their death.  Honestly people!!!  If you have that much free time, read a book!  Or volunteer at a charity.  Or, I don't know, do your work while you're at work!!!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Assorted Nonsense

Honestly, that beard
has to go.  Awful.
Right off the bat, I have to tell you that Zach Galifianakis is annoying me.  I am not sure what's his deal exactly, but it seems he is blurring the line between how people should act in real life and how they might act in the movies.  In his Rolling Stone interview he repeats what he said to Lady Gaga, child fans and Sean Penn. 


He seems to be pleased with himself that he was outright insulting to Lady Gaga.  I am no fan of her music or persona, but I wouldn't go out of my way to insult her to her face.  He has told children who tell him they liked "The Hangover" that they have bad parents (assumably for letting them see it).  There are plenty of parents that I think suck, but I wouldn't tell their kids.  That's just mean.  Lastly, he pretty much blew off Sean Penn and his offer to star in a movie.  Fine if you are not interested in doing the movie, but I'm pretty sure "send my Jews the script" wasn't necessary.  Or, certainly not necessary to repeat.


I can't help but think Zach (I am not repeatedly writing out that whole last name) is purposely acting this way because he thinks people will find it funny and refreshing that he is irreverent.  Here's the thing Zach...it's only funny in the movies.  The character you seem to play over and over is naive, honest, eccentric and slightly "off" and has no filter.  In real life people don't think "that guy" is awesome.  In real life, people think "that guy" is an a**hole and try to avoid him.  You might want to keep this in mind if you hope to continue to be famous and successful.  Oh look, another person who needed a word to the wise.  Always seems to be plenty of people to go on that list.


Also annoying me this week is Christopher Plummer.  That's Captain von Trapp (Georg, if you are the baroness) from The Sound of Music.  I have now read in two separate places that Plummer thinks it's ridiculous that 40 years later people are still talking about and asking about the movie.  Jeez!  What a big jerk!    Are we supposed to feel bad because people admire you and are still talking about a movie that, for whatever reason, touched a nerve with the world?  Is it so bothersome to have people ask you about being part of something whose story and music were so well-done that to this day it makes people happy to watch the movie and sing the songs?  


Dick van Dyke thinks it was
great being part of Mary
Poppins, Julie should have
stuck with him.
I think we can all agree that Christopher is being a tad bit of an ass.  Or maybe he's not really an ass, but has turned into one of those crotchety old man types.  I am still holding out hope that he was just misquoted.  But, just in case, so as not to cast any unpleasantness on to one of America's best musicals ever, let's not interview him anymore.  And PS, you don't hear the lovely Julie Andrews complaining that people love her and her work, do you?  No, you do not.  Whistle for Plummer.  Air kisses and love for Julie.


Moving on.  I am sure you were all excited to hear that Alec Baldwin might run for mayor of New York.  In 2013.  First of all, I couldn't give a crap about 2013 right now (in 2011) and second, really??  He needed to announce that now?  And Jennifer Garner had to go on record, right now, saying she's all for it? Whistle for everyone.  For better or worse, if Alec, or anyone for that matter, is going to run for mayor in 2013, they can wait to tell us when it's actually news.  That time would be when it's time to start campaigning, not now.


Next.  Why did Jimmy Kimmel have Paris Hilton on his show the other night?  And further, why do we care what she thinks about Anthony Weiner and his wiener?  But really, why is she on anyone's talk show?  She doesn't do anything.  She has nothing to say.  It would be more interesting and/or entertaining to grab a stranger off the street or interview someone at the snack shop.  That's what Dave Letterman does and I like it.  It could go poorly, but who cares?  Everyone gets a laugh and moves on.  And I bet Paris wasn't willing to talk about her prison experience and her inability to avoid drinking and driving and being in possession of drugs.  Whistle.  For Jimmy and Paris.


Lastly, I am pleased to report there were no further shoes-on-the- kitchen counter incidents.  That I am aware of.  Oh!  I almost forgot!  I neglected to give credit to my cousin Ronna who asked me to discuss Anthony and his wiener in my post, Word to the Wise, the other day.  Thank you Ronna!  Great idea!  xo


*FYI - if you like beer, Ronna is part of a cool group - West Chester Beer Ladies - check it out.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A Word To The Wise

I tried to avoid having to discuss this topic, but it continues to be all over the news.  Even when it dies down, the next joker will do the same thing.  I want to help keep this from happening again.  Where to start?  Sigh.  There is so much to say, a lot of which one would expect goes without saying, but apparently, not so much.  I'm going to try to keep this simple.  


If your last name is Weiner, once you've reached adulthood you should be pretty well aware that you don't want to be part of any issue or problem or play on words involving penises.  You have probably heard every joke that makes note of the fact that your name is Weiner and a wiener is another name for a penis.  Any time people can run with this joke, they will.  Stop helping them.

Don't do stuff that makes it that much easier for people to capitalize on the Weiner/wiener jokes.  This would include sending pictures of your wiener to people.


If you are a politician, famous, an athlete, have an open bench warrant, or are in some other way well-known, DO NOT send pictures of your junk to anyone.  Ever.  Even if they ask you.  You know what else, don't even take a picture of your junk.  Or let anyone else.  
These are for PHONE CALLS!
Your plan probably doesn't include
sending porn.  Just saying.
If you had ever, even once, paid attention to what's going on on the planet you would be aware that taking/sending pictures of your body parts or anything of a sexual of a nature is going to end poorly for you.  The other person always shows and tells!  Always!  And if they didn't actually tell on their own, their cousin's husband Bobby Ray, who just got out on bail and had to make a phone call, will borrow their phone and find your picture and show and tell.


I am also going to throw videos in the mix here.  Do not make a sex tape.  Yes, I understand the appeal, and you might be asking why two adults in a relationship or married people cannot do this for their own enjoyment.  I will give you two reasons why.  Jennifer Lopez and Pamela Anderson.  Both videotaped themselves having sex with  their husbands.  Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee were unable to keep their stolen tape off the internet.  Jennifer Lopez is still trying to keep her ex-husband (husband #1) from selling a tape of the two of them.


If, despite all warnings to the contrary, you insist on sending out crotch shots like you think you have something unique that 50% of the world doesn't have, then just be prepared.  That means when you get snagged, don't lie.  It won't work.  It never works.  You will just look twice as sleazy and gross.  Plus, have you never watched a single episode of CSI?  Forensics will be able to figure out when the picture was taken, by whom, where, what time of day and what computer, camera or phone sent it.  Further, based on microscopic fibers, they will know what color underpants you wore for the previous 3 days before the picture was taken. 


I understand that losing the freedom to send naked pictures of yourself is a tough price to pay, but, as Debbie Allen would say, "Fame costs, and right here is where you start paying."

Monday, June 6, 2011

I Told You He Was Problematic

This morning around 8am I received a text from my husband, who was already at work.  I thought I would share with you what he wrote so you can see that he is purposely troubling to me.  My mother has been unable recently to comment on the blog (not my doing), so we will not be seeing her defend him below in the comments section.  So ha ha husband and mother.


The Party:
Your blog forgot mention Sarah Palin is kind of hot in that naughty librarian sort of way.  Just sayin' your report wasn't completely balanced.  She wouldn't have to speak, just make of bunch of "shhshhh" sounds and disrobe.

Me:
I'll be sure to mention that next time.  I am sure my readers will totally agree with you.

The Party:
I think under Federal Election laws you are required to post my rebuttal.

Me:
Will do.


Do you people see what I am forced to contend with?  He then wanted me to admit that he is just as funny as I am.  As if.  He is amusing I suppose, but as funny as I am?  I don't think so.  You all know how much I crack myself up.


I will not even mention that today he put his sneakers right on to the kitchen counter (hmhh...guess I will mention it).  His dirty, wear outside sneakers.  On the kitchen counter.  Which had just been cleaned.  His response to this?  "Well, in my own defense, I didn't think you were going to see them."  These are not the words of someone who had any intention of wiping the counter either, are they?  No, they're not.


These "scientists" don't
even know you are
supposed to use an
 "equal" sign, not an arrow.
My other problem for the day was that when I came in at 9:50pm from a meeting, Soccer Barbie is yelling through the house "Does anyone know how to balance scientific equations?"  WTF?  I asked her where was Daddy (the person who was at home and I would have supposed would have been helping with homework)? The Party had already gotten into bed.  Before he drifted off, I sent her right up to him as he was really her only chance of getting parental help.  Balancing scientific equations?  Are you kidding me?  That's not even really science, it's math.  And what does making chemical compounds balance on each side of an equal sign even have to do with science?  Is H2O = H2O helping anyone cure cancer?  No.  Besides, I don't really remember how to do it.  Okay, I couldn't really do it without help when I had to in 11th grade.  Why is SB doing it in 7th grade?


For good measure, after Party helped her he informed me that there is no way I would have ever been able to figure out the last problem of the set.  Even if I had all night and a ream of paper.  While that is likely true, I will just point out that this is why he is not as funny as I am.  It's not funny to make fun of the math impaired.

To summarize:
1.  The Party, while a lovely human being and good husband and father, will never live long enough to be as funny as I am.
2.  It is gross to put your sneakers on the kitchen counter.
3.  I am not intending to dress as a librarian or disrobe, but I am happy to "Shhshhh" The Party.

The Party Bus

This first bus design
was dismissed by Palin as
too dull and family value-y
Surprisingly, I am not talking about my husband, The Party, and a bus.  I am talking about Sarah Palin and her non-campaigning, just here to teach about Americana and chat up people cross-country bus tour.  WTF?  No really, wtf?  What is she doing?  The more she says the dumber she comes off.  I truly hate to believe she is that stupid, but she is not helping.


The whole Paul Revere thing is a debacle.  In summary, Palin is saying that by Paul Revere warning that "the British are coming" he was in essence warning the British who were already there that more British were coming to fight, but that the Americans were armed and ready to fight for their freedom and that they were armed and that they meant business and weren't going to give up being free, or bearing arms.  Did she mention that early Americans were bearing arms?  Oh, and all this just shows that the 2nd Amendment (which, p.s., was written after the Revolutionary War) was meant to insure citizens the right to bear arms so they would always be prepared to fight for freedom.


Upon being told that she was not actually correct in her account of events, Sarah dug in and insisted that she was right about Paul Revere and that she knows her American History.  Sigh.  But, I guess you have to admire someone who won't let the educated writings and evaluations of past historians distort her interpretation of events.


I have a slight suspicion that this tour might also be a "Beers of the United States-Drink Your Way Coast to Coast" kind of party bus thing as well.  If the president thing doesn't work out, she can then get endorsements for all the beers she's tried.  Come on!  Based on the stuff she says, it sort of doesn't sound so out there, does it?  No, it doesn't.


A beer fest would certainly account for her other brilliant statement which was to say that any time there is a government mandate, it's not good.  I am almost certain that there is no way she knows what the word mandate means.  As I suggested to Mom in A Million, whose post is where I saw the information, maybe she thought that the government was trying to support man dates.  You know she is not on board with man dates.  Do you think Sarah knows that laws, like say the 2nd Amendment, are um, like government mandates?


Also, it is my understanding that Palin is the gal who believes that schools should be teaching creationism and abstinence, not science and sex education.  Was she planning on getting that to happen via a volunteer system?  I am pretty sure she wants the government to insist.  


I bet the bus has an entire iced
compartment for the "essentials."
My last thought on the party bus is this...there is $40,000 worth of Russian (right near Alaska) King Crab that has gone missing in route from LA to Seattle.  The driver and the crab have disappeared.  I do not want to unfairly accuse anyone of anything, but, I think we all know how delicious crab legs would be with beer.  And, that much crab would probably be enough to make it through the entire Beers of the US collection.  Just saying.

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