Thursday, April 28, 2011

And That's What You Get

Obama pities the fool who
asks him again for his
birth certificate.
"We do not have time for this kind of silliness."  That's a quote from our president who is amazed at the amount of media attention focused on the Birthers and their continuing insistence that he prove he is a native-born American citizen.  (Let me again point out that he is already president because this was already laid to rest and he was allowed to run).  Obama cannot believe that the media is not more interested in the national budget.  Nothing like getting scolded by the leader of the free world for being an idiot.


To help put this all to rest (one will hope), Obama released the "long form" of his birth certificate.  I have no idea what that is, but apparently, it's important.  How do you even get that?  What more does it say than your regular birth certificate?  I imagine I could go Google it, but I don't actually really care, since the likelihood that I will ever need that information is low.  Husband finds this a stunning trait of mine; that I don't need to gather useless information on a topic that doesn't affect me, just because it was brought to my attention.  You can rest assured, that as soon as he reads this post he will be looking it up.  I'll let you know what he says.


If only...

Also on the list of people who have had enough, is Whoopie Goldberg.  Besides having a giant argument with Donald Trump (now poster boy for the Birthers) when he was on "The View" over the birth certificate, she is extremely outraged that he is also claiming that Obama wasn't qualified to attend Harvard and Columbia.  To summarize, Whoopie thinks Trump is an ass and a racist.  You can see a clip of her talking about it if you go to the link.


The Donald,  in his ever-pompous way, is claiming the he is responsible for finally getting Obama to fork over the birth certificate.  He feels he has done what no other American was able to do.  Um, Donald, you are currently the lead badgerer who pissed off the president.  I wouldn't really be bragging.  There are 300 million people in the United States, and you have been obnoxious enough to catch the president's attention.  That's not good.


Husband is not as
doofy as Dudley.
Usually.
In other news, after reading yesterday's post, Husband has decided that his "blog name" is boring and he wants something else.  He even thought "Duh Hubby," while not really that nice, was more catchy and had more flair ("Duh Hubby" is the name that Celia Rivenbark uses to refer to her husband in her books.  Sometimes she just calls him "Duh," which cracks me up).  We (my mother and I) sometimes refer to Husband as Dudley Do-Right because he is a big giant rule follower.  He doesn't really think it's that funny when we call him Dudley, so I can't imagine he will like it if the entire blogosphere is calling him it.  I imagine I could just use his real name, but then he wouldn't have a secret identity and that would be sad.  So, I'll be thinking on it.  Feel free to pass on some suggestions if you have any.


OMG - totally forgot to tell you guys how Boy is talking about filing for emancipation.  We'll have to talk about that tomorrow.  It's awesome.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Sports Savvy, That's Me.

I am not having a good sports day today.  I know when I say that it makes it sound like sports play a big role in my life.  They do not.  (But didn't that make me sound all sporty and exercisey)?  I don't mind playing sports, but as an adult there are not the same opportunities there were for me when I was 10 and went to camp.  As for watching sports; take it or leave it.  Mostly leave it.  If I watch a Phillies game, I don't usually tune in until like the 7th inning.  That's plenty of excitement for me.  For a playoff game, maybe the 6th inning.  With sports that are timed, I'm good for like the last 10 minutes or so.  That's "real" 10 minutes, not sports-clock 10 minutes, which is like an hour.


Mean Girl looked meaner
than this.  And she had
 real hands and feet.
Back to today...there was a mean girl at tennis.  And, before we go any further, I want to warn you that in telling you this story, I am letting you in on the fact that I am a very shallow and small person.  If you already suspected, keep reading; if you don't want to become disillusioned, perhaps go read something else.


Okay, so here's what happened...Tennis match today.  Low level women's team.  Obviously, we want to win, but the entire endeavor is mostly friendly and social.  There is no money winning going on.  No possible endorsement deals.  We are in a fenced in area that has 2 courts with no divider between the courts.  The matches start off with practice hitting around.  Mean Girl and her partner are playing on the court next to me.  Both my partner and I have to give Mean Girl back a ball or retrieve one from her court.  Same thing is going on the other side with our opponents and Mean Girl's opponents.  When all this is happening, we are all exchanging pleasantries and sorries, etc.  Except for Mean Girl.  She makes us go onto her court to get our ball.  She won't get it for us.  BUT, she won't come on our court to get hers.  She's waiting for us to get hers for her.  No smiling.  No thank yous.  Only mean face making.


After several exchanges, I tell my partner that I am going to tell Mean Girl she's a pill if she doesn't knock if off.  Then, and here's where it gets a little ugly, I point out (only to my partner/close friend) that Mean Girl is a little fat and her skirt is too short.  I have to let you know, I am not in any position to be pointing out anyone else's weight issues (skirt, yes), but I don't care, she was bitchy.  At one point during the match I see Mean Girl and her partner tapping racquets and praising one another for a good point.  I turn to my partner (who also saw and heard this) and make a mimic-y face that only she can see.  We chuckle.  Our next point starts and I promptly hit the ball into the net.  In my family, we call that a GP (God Punish).  A little while later I point out to my partner that Mean Girl has a rather unattractive sweat pattern on the back of her shirt.  Ha ha, stinks to be her.  We lost both sets.


So, now you know I am petty and not that good at tennis.  Well, I would have played better if I was not so distracted by other people's meanness.  I don't know why I cared that she was crabby and miserable or why I took it personally, but I did.  I consider it a win that I didn't actually say anything to her or in a voice loud enough for her to hear.


Oh, how darling that you
thought tonight's game was
for the actual Stanley Cup! 
What a hoot you are!
The other sports issue today was with the Flyers.  I was all pleased with myself that I knew it was the tie-breaking game 7 in the Stanley Cup playoff series.  Here's the thing, as I am watching the last 5 minutes or so of the game,  the announcer says something that clues me in to the fact that if the Flyers win (which they did) they don't win the Stanley Cup.  WHAT?!?!  I ask my husband to confirm.  He does, and he can't believe I didn't know that was only the FIRST series. I had thought it was odd there was only minor hype surrounding this game, but I just figured people were ready for hockey to be done, since it's the end of April.  Did you guys know there are TWO more series before the actual series to win the cup?  That is ridiculous.  The playoffs are longer than the whole season!


Since Husband was already troubled by my lack of hockey knowledge, I didn't mention the mean girl incident.  He will tell me I am the mean one for saying those things (what does he know, he wasn't even there).  So, just keep it under your chapeau.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Stupid or Crazy: It's a Fine Line

Sometimes when I read things I am in awe.  I'm not sure if I am stunned because the people are that stupid or they are just crazy.  Or both.  Most of us go through life trying not to say or do anything that will be too embarrassing.  We actually make a concerted effort to do this.  Sadly friends, I think we may be wasting our time.  "Other people" do all sorts of crap and don't seem to even blink or notice that something is terribly wrong with their behavior. 


Here are a few things going on in the "news" today.  You can decide if those involved are stupid, crazy, or both.


In the words of Ed Lover,
"C'Mon Son!"

1.  Anthony Garcia, a gang member from East L.A., was caught and subsequently convicted of murder.  He was caught because he tattooed the entire murder scene/event onto his chest!   Uh huh.  He was that pleased with his handiwork.  In a show of family bonding, Garcia's mother and brother were just arrested, along with Garcia, and are being charged with conspiring to bring heroin and methamphetamines into jail for Garcia to sell. New definition of "winning."


2.  This is more inane than stupid, but there is actual time and money being wasted on this.  Two rival vintners are arguing over the use of the word "mommy" in their wine names.  One company has a wine called "Mommy's Time Out" and it thinks that the company who is calling their wine "Mommyjuice" is going to confuse consumers into thinking they are the same thing because they both use the word "mommy" in their name.  Whistle.  And smack.  Oh, and the labels look nothing alike.  I think our bigger concern here should be the need for so many kinds of wine for "mommy."


What the Trump-DeNiro
debate will likely
devolve into.


3.  Remember when Donald Trump got into with Rosie O'Donnell a few years back?  Remember how the most clever thing he could come up with was to call her fat?  Now he has moved to calling Robert DeNiro stupid.  DeNiro (PS, I can never keep DeNiro and Al Pacino straight in my head) didn't name names but said what some of the possible presidential candidates were doing was crazy.  He basically went on to further criticize Trump without actually saying his name.  Trump fired back by saying DeNiro wasn't "The brightest bulb on the planet" and said "we're not dealing with Albert Einstein."  Glad to see we will have stimulating discourse to look forward to should Trump ever be involved in a round of presidential debates.



4.  Tracy Morgan is purportedly being interviewed about "30 Rock" and Alec Baldwin in this piece, but he kind of rambles and I am not exactly sure what our take-away is supposed to be.  I'm thinking we don't have to vote on this one; it can go right into the crazy column.  Twice he is quoted as saying you should have kids young like he did, but I can't imagine "have a kid at 16" is really what this interview was supposed to be about. 


5.  I just found this, mid-writing, and had to share - Jim McGreevey, former New Jersey govenor, was denied Priesthood by the Episcopal Church.  Huh!!  Really?  I can't imagine why.  Let me just say, being gay is not the issue here at all.  You can go read this if you want, but I just couldn't imagine the gall of him trying to be a priest nor announcing to the media he'd been turned down (you know the church wasn't calling the newspaper).  Yeah, I think we need another whistle.

I guess he tamed his hair a little
here so attention would not be
diverted from his special jacket.

6.  Don King is selling his Florida property.  One property, two mansions.  I don't know why.  Here is the link so you can go see.  You will actually not believe this is his house because it is more tasteful than you would ever expect.  Look at this picture.  The man has perpetually scared hair and is wearing a jacket with his own likeness on it.  Again, I don't know why.  Aside from being one of the biggest boxing promoters ever, King apparently used to be a bookie and was found guilty of killing two people on two separate occasions.  Charming.


That concludes this evening's episode of Crazy, Stupid or Both.  Please remember to tip your waitresses and drive home safely.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Sports: Who's In Charge and Why?

I watched some sports this weekend.  Specifically, I watched part of several of the Phillies games and a few minutes here and there of the Flyers games.  The Sixers also played, but I didn't see any of those games.  FYI, that's baseball, hockey and basketball.  I just want us all to be on the same page and to show off a little to you that I know the names and matching sports in my own city.


It's important to wear a suit
when talking about sports
to show you are serious.
I really don't understand sportscasters.  Or maybe it's sports I don't understand.   I thought I did, but apparently it is much more complicated than just playing whatever game you are playing.  You also can't just watch.  It is important to know every detail about the person being discussed in any given play.  And not just sports details.  You need to know everything the player ever did up until this very moment in time.  The sportscasters come up with a lot of filler between actual bits of game information.  They also say a lot of crap that masquerades as game information, but really isn't.


Some examples of the weird way that sports work that I found troubling this weekend:


The Phillies had to pull a pitcher who was doing great because they needed a designated hitter to hit for him.  That meant they had to pull the DH and put in a new pitcher for the next inning.  Pitchers are notoriously bad hitters (so I hear).  Why is this?  Rather than pull pitchers, why not just teach your pitchers to hit better? {Editors note:  Husband brought to my attention that I mean pinch hitter, not designated hitter.  He said designated hitter is something else and only in the American League.  Whatever.  Why can't the pitchers just learn to hit?}


During one play in the outfield, as the fielder is running for the ball and catches it, the sportscaster is saying how he hopes the guy can get the ball all the way in because he is not known for having a strong arm.  What?!  Why would you put a guy who can't throw that far in the outfield where everything he has to throw is far?  How about find a guy with a good arm for out there?


If someone is up at bat, say for the third time, it's great to hear how they did their last turns that game.  Past that, who cares?  There is no reason to tell me how this player did in other games on their third time up at bat as if that will determine how they will do today.  It's sounds scientific and statistical, but it's not.  It's like flipping a coin.  


Stop spitting.  Stop licking your fingers and touching the ball and then licking your fingers again (yes you pitchers).  Stop spitting.  Stop stepping away from the batters box every pitch and adjusting something like your gloves or your pants or shoes.  Just take your turn.  Limit the number of times you "adjust" yourself.  You are on TV.  Is this what you want your mother to see?  Stop spitting.


It takes years of practice to
get this good at hockey.
Hockey is even weirder than baseball.  There are only pseudo-rules and they are not always followed.  You can shove people, but not all the time.  You can knock people over, but not all the time.  I don't understand how you can check (read slam) someone into the glass 50 times with no problem, but then on time 51 "it's on."  Then we have the nonsensical fist fight where both guys are wildly throwing punches in between trying to pull their opponent's shirt over his head so he can't see while they are fighting.


Also, unlike in soccer, it seems you can bang into the goalie all you want.  The goalie is extra padded, so that's good, but it doesn't seem right that while your face is near people's metal-bladed feet, they are kicking and shoving at you and whacking their sticks around.  Far as I can tell, the refs aren't too strict with no high-sticking or slashing rules either.  Sometimes it's a problem, sometime it's not.


Surprisingly, there seems to be less spitting and adjusting in hockey.  Those guys seem more rowdy, so I would have expected more.  So you know, that's a nice treat if you're watching.  They are extra sweaty and yucky though, so that's less nice. 


With all sports, the one thing I hate more than anything is the post-game interview.  It is painful to watch.  The sportscaster asks some inane or multi-part question and the player stumbles over his words trying to say something meaningful.  One question is never enough either.  They keep going.  It's hideous on both sides.


Immediately after you watch a game, there will be a "wrap-up" where the entire game you just watched will be pulled apart minute by minute, play by play.  Snore!  Why do people want to see/hear this?  It's extra special on the radio when they let people call in and give their thoughts.  "I think they if they played better, they could have won."  "If I was the coach, I would have had the team work harder to score more points." Pain.Ful!!


THIS is what a wrap-up should look like:

He was so upset
by the ugly uniform,
he couldn't even
 hold the bat.
The Flyers, Sixers, and Phillies had a great weekend with some really great plays.  If you missed it, don't worry, they will be playing again soon.  If you need more details, you should know the Flyers tied it up in the Stanley Cup playoffs and will play game 7 to determine the winner on Tuesday.  Phillies won a 4 game series against the San Diego Padres.  Game 4 was won largely in part to the Padres being embarrassed and distracted by their own uniforms.  The uniforms were meant to show support for the armed forces, but were just plain ugly.  Don't worry about what happened with the Sixers, basketball should be over already anyway.


Wrap up complete - you can go on with your lives.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Where Is My Whistle? A Very Special Passover Episode.

There seems to be a lot of ridiculous going on.  Which in the spirit of Passover, I would say "Why is this night different from all other nights?"  Of course, in this case it's not.  After two seders and quite a bit of matzah, I am a little crabby and don't have any patience for nonsense.  Yes I do usually have patience.  You don't know.  You're not here.


I am starting a new annual Passover Tradition.   During Passover I will call out anyone who catches my attention as being a obnoxious or a hideous attention-monger.  Luckily, because it's holiday, I will focus my attention on those in the public eye, saving those close to me from being outted (that's how sunshine-y I am).  Here we go.




1.  Is the Monkees Reunion Tour "Doomed Before It's Begun?"  The answer is YES!  PopEater reported that the 3 getting ready to tour (Michael Nesmith obviously still has some pride) have been bickering and fighting already.  Who cares?  They were not even a real band the first time they were together.  They were a pretend band for TV.  Didn't anyone tell them that?


I never noticed before,
but I think Nic had
a nose job.
2.  Nicolas Cage's whole rebel without a clue/angry young man routine is way old.  He was arrested for domestic violence and for disorderly conduct.  The latter charge was a result of an allegedly drunk Cage taunting police and daring them to arrest him when a cabbie called police after seeing Cage argue with and then push his wife.  What an ass.  He also named his kid Kal-El, which is just mean.


3.  A kindergartner brought a gun to school in Texas yesterday. He and two others were injured when the gun fell out of his pocket and fired into the ground.  Thankfully, none of the injuries were serious.  Parents felt the school handled things well in the aftermath, but think there needs to be more security or metal detectors.  NO!  They don't need metal detectors, they need to kick the crap out the kid's parents.  A 5-year-old with a gun is about 1% the kid's fault and 99% abysmal parental supervision.



Is that thing on her head
supposed to be a tiara or a
 piece of tin foil?  Either way,
why is she wearing it?

4.    Jill Zarin from "Real Housewives of New York," denies having plastic surgery.  She says her appearance is due to 10 years worth of Botox in her forehead as well as her "liquid face-lift" which is pulling the facial skin taught and injecting Botox into the neck for a tightening and lifting effect.  First of all, WHAT?  And, second, did anyone besides her bitchy, catty co-stars care or ask about it?


5.  I am just giving you the introduction for this upcoming smackdown.  I am not even going to give you my opinion.  You can file this under "Oh no he didn't!"  Tyler Perry is quoted as saying "Spike Lee needs to shut the hell up."  The article has excerpts of Perry's tirade against Lee's for constantly making critical comments about Perry's work.  There is sure to be a scathing rejoinder, no doubt.  Can't wait.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

But I Don't Wanna

Can you imagine if you ultimately have to pick between Donald Trump and Sarah Palin for president?  I think even if you are not an Obama fan, Obama would have to start smoking crack and smack Michelle around a little, both on national TV, for him to look less qualified than these two.  And even then...


For argument's sake, we will pretend that Donald and Sarah are our only two choices.  Who are you going to pick?  Move to Canada is not an option.  Let's treat it like a game of "Which Would You Rather."  You know, the game where you have to decide what you would do given two crappy choices.


I wonder if Sarah thinks
 "President" is really just the
 name of a reality show.


To help us decide, let's talk about the pros and cons of each candidate.  We'll start with Sarah.  On the plus side, she is very attractive and always looks nice.  Not too many world leaders were previously beauty queens.  She graduated from the University of Idaho, so we can assume she reads and writes English.  She photographs well.  Did I mention she was attractive?  She's a good hunter (that would be a pro if you are alone in the woods with her and you are hungry).  She did try to be a good sport by going on SNL after they made fun of her.


There seems to be a few more things on the negative side for Sarah.  Even though she graduated from college, she doesn't come off as being too smart.  At the very least, she's not a quick thinker.  She talks in sound bites and usually picks someone else's ideas to back.  This often causes her a problem when someone asks her a question she wasn't prepared to answer or involves giving her own opinion.


Palin believes abstinence is the only birth control education that should be taught in schools.  She also believes schools should teach creationism.  She is against the right to an abortion.  She is against same-sex marriages.  She does not seem to be aware that while she is entitled to those opinions, they are based on her personal religious beliefs and therefore not necessarily what should be imposed on everyone.  I also heard she one time pushed down an old lady (okay, I didn't really hear that).


Note hair as well as
drunken use of
 self-tanner.
Donald Trump.  Hard to know where to start.  I'm going to go with his hair.  WTF!  He knows it's awful.  He knows people make fun of it.  Yet, he insists on keeping it the way it is.  Right there I have to take points out of the pro column.  How can we trust the judgement of someone who purposely walks around looking like that?  That hair alone is almost enough to give him an outright no.


Also against Donald is his history of declaring bankruptcy.    He ran three companies into the ground.  I am sure that cost a lot of people a lot of money.  He did not appear to be one of those people.  His personal wealth doesn't appear to have suffered much.  This worries me.  It won't matter one bit to The Donald if he cuts programs and benefits to people to balance a budget or get rid of a deficit.  He's got plenty of money to cover what he needs.


On the plus side for Trump is that he is Wharton educated and seems like a relatively smart guy.  He's well-dressed (if you can notice past the hair).  I have never seen him spit in public or pick his nose.  He is a good speaker and is able to articulate his own opinions.


As for his position on human/personal rights issues, I haven't heard a word.  I actually think that's because Donald doesn't give a crap what we do as long we don't eff up his business model for making the United States rich like him and feared by all other countries.  I am concerned that part of his plan will include changing the name of everything to Trump.  I can see the 50 stars on the flag being replaced by 50 little Donald Trump faces.


I have to say, with all this information, I am not sure who is the least painful choice.  I think if forced, I would pick Trump because when Palin had her last baby she was over 40, but was still able to lose her baby weight pretty quickly and look thin on TV.  How does she expect to get the female vote pulling crap like that?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

That Ship Has Sailed

It's good to hold tight to your beliefs and fight for causes you believe in, but sometimes you have to know when to give it up and move on with your life.


I would offer that advice - move on with your lives - to our friends the Birthers.  When I first heard this term I had no idea what it meant.  I'm thinking something related to birth control or Planned Parenthood or maybe people in favor of birth versus egg hatching.  Who knew?  Anyway, so it turns out these folks' main focus currently is that they don't believe Obama was "birthed" here in the United States and is therefore ineligible to be president.  The fact that Hawaii says he was and issued a birth certificate when Obama was born is not swaying them.


In Arizona, the governor, Jan Brewer, just vetoed a bill that would allow Arizona's secretary of state to determine who is and is not eligible to be put on the ballot to run for president based on whether or not the acceptable documentation was provided.  The bill's sponsor, Republican Rep.  Carl Seel, says that it is unlikely Obama's birth certificate would have been sufficient proof for them.  They would have insisted on baptismal, circumcision (yup) or hospital records.  Seel says he's not taking a swipe at the president, he just wants to ensure election integrity in the future.


This is totally what we need, each state deciding whose birth certificate they are accepting as legitimate.  We really need bills and laws for this stuff?  Nobody ever seemed all that worked up about birth certificates before Obama showed up.  Why do you suppose that is? 


But here's the thing Birthers, as you may or may not know, Obama is already the president.  Whoever is in charge of this stuff, took his birth certificate, let him run, and now he's the president.  For awhile now.  And, if he is the president now, it's not too likely there would be a whole lot of standing to keep him from running again.  I'm just saying, you guys might want to find something else to do with your time because this seems like a pretty big loser cause-wise.

This was the day Obama found out the Queen was his
real mother and was issued his English birth certificate.

Another mind-boggling example of not giving up the ghost was the choice to make Bristol Palin the Candie's Foundation Abstinence Ambassador.  Really?!  Really?!  Sure, Bristol has been telling people that abstinence is the only 100% fool-proof way of not getting pregnant, but doesn't the fact that she got pregnant in high school kind of hurt her credibility?  She's not really buying what she's selling.


If you are starting an Anti-Abstinence movement, then Bristol is your girl.  She's perfect for that.  "Hey Girls, want to become a celebrity and make a lot of money and still be able to go back to school and pursue your career if you want?"   What chucklehead thinks Bristol is the girl to promote abstinence?  How does that person keep their job?   Bristol already broke your rules, got pregnant, and didn't suffer the consequences that most teens would in this situation.  You should be throwing darts at her picture, not paying her.  Just an FYI - Jamie Spears is not a good choice either.


Hey kids, want to be on Dancing With The Stars, just
have a baby!  It's an inexpensive, do-at-home project.

Speaking of Palins and ships (in this case a sinking one) - if you have to pick - Donald Trump or Sarah Palin for president?  Discuss.  No wait, don't discuss.  I think we are going to have a whole pros and cons list tomorrow about this.  Won't that be so fun?

Monday, April 18, 2011

Spring Break and the Full Moon: A Tale of Woe


See - not really scary.
The moon looked pretty full tonight, but apparently, it's not really going to be until tomorrow.  Whatever.  My kids seem to be reacting to Full Moon Eve, and Full Moon Eve Eve.  Honestly, Spring Break started Friday afternoon and they have been ridiculous since then.


I don't want to bore you with the description of the weekend, you can use your imagination.  Suffice it to say that it defies explanation.  I think that's the problem.  These are two generally good children who just turn on you like rabid chihuahuas.  You know, they aren't really doing much harm, but I am stunned that they would, in a nasty fashion, try to act like they are the ones being bothered by US.  I mean, just like a chihuahua that would try to attack you, it can't win.  It should know it can't win, but it doesn't.



I know they are out
there lurking.

On to happier topics...last week was awesome!  Thanks to stark.raving.mad.mommy. I am feeling downright famous.  I was actually surprised not to be hounded by the paparazzi all weekend when I was out.  Seriously though, thanks to guest posting over there, I had lots and lots of new readers here and on Facebook.  Yay me!  Hopefully, now that you new people have joined us, you will want to stay.  My husband is slightly less thrilled since I spent most of the week asking him if he'd heard that I was an internet sensation.  I think he would be more impressed if "internet sensation" paid better.  But really, I think he is just jealous.


In other exciting news, Bobby Brown has reported that he is "off the heroin, the crack, the coke."  While that is super, I recall him saying, during the epically diasterous interview he and Whitney did a few years back, that he is bi-polar and basically self-medicates with marajuana.  No mention in the article how that was going.  But, just to know he's off the other stuff, I am sure, is a relief to us all.


Nothing says "sober" like
underpants you can take
home at the end of the night
in a special bag. 
David Arquette is also having a good weekend, he tweeted he was 100 days sober.  You should know he was being treated for alcohol abuse and depression, not hard drugs.  I mean, his people obviously don't want you to think he's Bobby Brown or anything.  And, not that I am not glad he's sober, but didn't Arquette insist he didn't have any substance abuse problems?  Guess he forgot.


There is a ton of other real news to report, but none of it good.  Libya is still a big disaster.  Gadhafi is not quite appreciating the situation.  He really cannot believe that the world is not supporting him.  I think he asked for a recount or something.  Yemen is no party either.  All these crazy leaders make our old friend Mubarak (you remember, he peacefully stepped down as despot of Egypt) seem civilized and someone you'd like to have over for tea.



With that kind of perspective in mind, my children seem slightly less troublesome.  The do not have substance abuse problems, they are not evil dictators (though I think they are working on some sort of coup here, but I have no proof yet), and they have not yet started howling at the moon.  But, it is only Full Moon Eve, so I will keep you posted.

Friday, April 15, 2011

It's Not Just Me, Right?

Okay, so normally I don't post Friday through Sunday, but I cannot get over the article that Pregnant Chicken posted yesterday.  It's stunning.  On so many levels.  I think my thoughts on what's wrong with it will probably be longer than the actual article.  Still, I have to share so you can all jump in and agree that Prince Federic von A**hole Anhault is bat crap crazy.


And, just to clarify, Pregnant Chicken did not write the article, she just posted it because she too was disturbed.  Pregnant Chicken is actually awesome.  You should go check out her blog.  Even if, like me, you are thrilled every day to wake up and not be pregnant, her blog has lots of interesting stuff on it that I think anyone would like.  Go have a look-see.


Anyhoo, so about the article ... "Zsa Zsa Gabor to Become a Mother at 94, husband says."  As you can see from the picture, Zsa Zsa not only doesn't look like the glamorous woman we think of when we hear her name, she also hardly looks like someone who's in any shape to be a mother to a new baby.  PS, neither does her 67-year-old husband.


According to Prince Frederic von Anhaut, who is Zsa Zsa's 9th husband (omg - I think we all know one, perhaps two, is plenty), things are already in the works to find an egg donor and a gestational surrogate.  His reasoning is that if Zsa Zsa dies before him, he will have nothing to live for.  Also, he says Zsa Zsa talked about having another child 25 years ago when they first married and again in recent months.  Part of their desire to have a child is so the Gabor name will be carried on.


From that 4 sentence summary I have a list of about 150 things that are so very wrong.  Feel free to go read the article and let us know if there is anything to add, or if you found anything NOT troubling in the article.

I actually think Zsa Zsa doesn't look too bad
 for a 94-year-old who is at death's door.

1.  Last I heard, Zsa Zsa refused to have her other leg amputated (or another surgery on the one already removed, I forget which) which was to be done to try to keep her alive.  She was sent home from the hospital in poor health.  I can't imagine having a new baby is what she's been focused on. 


2.  Frederic (who always makes sure to use the "Prince") is only a prince because he was adopted, as an adult, by a German woman.  He has no money and is said to be in debt caring for Zsa Zsa.  How's he paying for this nonsense then?


3.  How will a new baby help carry on the Gabor name?  Wouldn't it help carry on the von A**hole Anhault name?  Further, this baby would not even be biologically a "Gabor."  And while I believe 100% that once you adopt a baby (which Zsa Zsa would have to do to make it "hers") it's just as much "yours" as if you gave birth to it, this just seems liked flawed logic in the "carrying on a name" department.


4.  I don't believe for one second that Zsa Zsa wanted a new baby 25 years ago or at any time since then.  Her daughter was shocked and quoted as saying "That's just weird."


5. What egg donor or gestational surrogate would want any parts of this?  What doctor would agree to be involved?  Well, I guess if the Octomom doctor isn't in jail or practicing medicine illegally in Mexico, he'd probably be on board.


6.  Rather than worry about what he'll do when Zsa Zsa dies and he has nothing to live for, why doesn't Frederic work on spending quality time with his wife rather than spend time working on the baby plan?  In the future, should he find himself alone, perhaps he could get a girlfriend or a pet.


7.  It was mentioned that Zsa Zsa's only child (from 2nd husband Conrad Hilton), Francesca Hilton doesn't use the Gabor name.  Um, isn't that because the way things generally work here in the US is that kids use their father's name?


In conclusion, I think we can see two things.  One is that I might have too much free time and need some type of medication.  The second is that von Anhault, who has no money, is looking for a get-rich-quick plan.  If nothing else, having Zsa Zsa "adopt" a baby that is biologically his would probably up his chances of inheriting, even if indirectly, when she passes away.  He is extremely yucky.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

A Spoonful of Sugar

As I have told you all before, I am a ray of sunshine.  With that in mind, and given our last two days discussing teenagers and the woe that ensues, I thought I would tell all of you parents of younger children what good things you have to look forward to when your kids are teens. 

In every job that must be
done, there is an element
of fun.  So too with teens.

These are the things that are great about having teenagers.


1.  There is someone besides you who can carry in groceries and put them away.  They are too old to pretend that the bags are too heavy or they don't know where stuff goes.


2.  You can say stuff to them that you couldn't when they were little, because it would have seemed mean or inappropriate.  Things like "I don't know why you're so bad" or "I am finding you extremely annoying right now."  You don't want to say things like that all the time, but when you do, your child will hardly flinch at all and you will feel slightly less annoyed once you've said it.


3.  They can be in on the joke.  When kids are little and you are at the mall or the playground you don't have anyone you can point out the freaks to.  A 4-year-old isn't going to share a raised-eyebrow look with you upon spying another mom who had to wax just to wear jeans that low.  Your 8-year-old will not join you in judging the parents of the kid wearing a bathing suit outside to play in February.


4.  You don't have to do homework anymore.  They know you can't help them.  Even for things you could help with, they don't want to give you the satisfaction.  Fine by me. 


5.  There is a chance your child will have clothes and shoes that you can fit into and want to wear.  They pretty much have to share, but you are not obligated to return the favor.


6.  If they want take-out for lunch or dinner, you can get them to call and order it.  If it's wrong when it gets to the house, no one can blame you.


7.  No more babysitters!  There are some glitches in regard to your kids having friends over if you want to go out, but for the most part, you can go do what you need to/want to do and be relatively certain that when you return your kids will be there and the house won't be on fire.


8.  You can drop your teens at the mall or movies and return to get them when they are done.  You will no longer have to sit through movies you don't want to see or spend 25 minutes in Claire's (which is a 3 minute store).


9.  They can arrange their own carpools/rides.  I can tell my kids that I will drive either way and let them work out the details.  Even if I am driving both ways, I don't have to call 10 moms to see who is where and what time they want to go.


10.  It is now less unseemly to have your kids making you drinks.  Yes, I know it's not ideal, but it's like cooking or laundry, they have to learn sometime and why shouldn't you benefit from their practice?  You could probably start kids earlier than their teens on this task, but 1st graders tend to be heavy pourers and they will totally go through your pockets if given the opportunity.  Don't worry how I know this.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Ways to Keep Mom's Head From Exploding - A Family Guide

Well, we have had quite a busy couple of days here at Donkeys to College.  First, on Monday, we had a lovely guest writing visit from stark.raving.mad.mommy.  Then, Tuesday, I got to be the guest writer over there.  Fun!  And, as an added bonus, I had lots of new visitors to my Donkeys Facebook page.  You guys all totally rock!  I love having lots of people come snark it up with me on Facebook.


I decided today, rather than further discuss the ways in which children morph into teens and the ensuing tsuris (yeah, that's right, go look it up), I would offer our kids and teens some tips to staying alive long enough to see adulthood.  While this is my own personal list, I would be willing to bet a lot of money that there is not one thing on here that doesn't pertain to all children on the planet.  Well, all except the perfect children, but I haven't actually met any of those.  I have only heard about them from their mothers.


This is what I look like
by the end of the day.


1.   If you ask me to buy you something and I buy it..USE IT!  When you ask me for something like shaving cream, shampoo or deodorant and I see it still in the bag three days later and then you ask me again if I can buy said items (because you never looked in the bag that sat blocking your door) -  I can't even breathe.


2.  Use your towel to dry your body off after you take a shower - BEFORE you go anywhere.  Don't tell me you did.  You didn't.  If you did there would not be wet footprints on the bathroom tile nor would I squish through the ones on the carpet.  And I think we both know how I feel about the towel reaching the final destination of your bedroom floor.


3.  Take the trash down to the garage.  You say you didn't know it needed to go down, but why else would I leave the bag of trash blocking your way up the steps?  What are the chances I am not going to be annoyed if you move it out of your way to come up and then leave it?


4.  Just try it!!  Good Lord!  Would I ask you to try something that I really thought you wouldn't like?  And let's just say it's not your favorite, trust me, you won't die.


5.  Clean your room for real.  Shoving stuff under your bed, dresser, desk and into your closet isn't cleaning.  You might fool me at first glance, but when I come in there to get something and see what you've done, it's on.


6.  Every once in awhile, just take no for an answer, smile and move on. 


7. Don't whine!!!  It will never make me want to change my mind.  You know what else, you can keep the drama tragedy face to yourself as well.  Yes, you are whining and yes, you are making a face.  Why else would I say it?


I think we have covered the main survival techniques.  Let me know if I have missed any.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Smells Like Teen Spirit

Very exciting day today friends!  I am guest writing over at stark.raving.mad.mommy.  Please pop over to read what I have to say about parenting teens.


Also, no offense, but can you guys all remember we are guests over there and try to behave yourselves?  We want to get asked back don't we?


Thanks!  CLICK HERE to read today's post.


I do not want to see any of this kind of 
nonsense over at SRMM

Monday, April 11, 2011

"Are We There Yet?" - The Other Meaning

Exciting News!  Today stark.raving.mad.mommy, who we love love love, stopped by to give us her thoughts on the quickly approaching teen years.  I, like many of you, worried about this for years.  Now that I have two teenagers, I must tell you...it's good you're worried.

No, no, I jest.  You will all survive.  Tomorrow I will share with you and stark.raving.mad.mommy some tips for navigating the teen years.  Waiting for this phase gives a whole new meaning to "Are we there yet?"  Which is followed by "And how to do I escape?"



Teen Drama

Last week, my twin daughters turned ten. They are inching closer and closer to being actual teenagers. So far they still like to play on the playground, but I know we’re only a few years away from them seeing a playground as a place to hang out and annoy parents of little kids.


 It’s a little terrifying.


Coincidentally, I received some random health magazine in the mail with an article about talking to your kids about “club drugs.” Apparently, people still do ecstasy. I didn’t think it was still a problem because Newsweek stopped running articles about raves like ten years ago. Also, it seems that OxyContin is still a big thing. Parents should know that OxyContin is a prescription pain medicine, not a new acne treatment or laundry brightener.


 
You know what else kids are doing now? Sniffing foul-smelling crap and taking animal tranquilizers. Seriously. Ketamine. It’s a freaking animal tranquilizer. Now, I’m not a doctor, and I don’t even play one on TV, but I’m going to go ahead and guess that shooting up something that’s used to knock out lions so zoo dentists can clean their fangs is probably not a great choice as a recreational activity.


When I was in high school, lots of kids drank beer, some kids smoked pot, and the rich kids dropped acid. Some kids liked to do whip-its, but to me, a mind a can of perfectly good Reddi-Wip is a terrible thing to waste. No one was snorting lion tranquilizers or taking pills that make you want to suck on a pacifier. At least not as far as I was aware. Maybe that’s actually what the cool kids were doing all along, in their pinstripe jeans and Laura Ashley dresses.

 The thought of my kids navigating those waters scares the crap out of me. Obviously, immediately after reading the “club drugs” article I gave my kids a lunchtime lecture on the dangers of huffing. They are now too scared to smell anything, which I’m pretty sure means I did my job correctly.

 
There’s also the worry that as children turn into teenagers, they also morph into moody, hormone-driven changelings who know everything. According to what’s on television, as teens my kids will become vampires, bed-hopping socialites, or a plucky group of starry-eyed misfits with their hearts set on winning the Regional Show Choir Competition. Clearly, I’m hoping for vampires.


As it is, we are getting little sneak peeks into the mood swings already. I assume when we hit puberty it will be even more fun. Add in the family history of mental health issues and it is going to be a full-on Tilt-a-Whirl of awesome.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I'm All Sunshine

My friend Kim got me a shirt
that says this.  Proof.
For those of you who don't know me, I am a ray of sunshine.  Husband says when I have to scream it at someone, it loses something  Whatever.  He's just jealous.  I am a dream to be around.  I mean honestly friends, don't I put a spin on what I tell you so you will not be upset when you hear things like you can get sick from pot brownies or sushi out of the Pacific might not be a good choice this month? 


I am like a modern-day Snow White.  I dress beautifully to clean around the house and I sing while I do it.  I am kind to animals and pick up after people with a smile.  Fine, so maybe not exactly like Snow White.  But still, I don't regularly smack anyone or throw things at the noisy birds outside my window (nature is extremely loud).


To better illustrate my point, I will list for you some people I KNOW I am more sunshine-y than.  This list does not include my immediate family, but I think we know it goes without saying.


1.  Moammar Gadhafi 
While some of you know that my son has accused me of being "mean like Hitler." I have not once taken over a country, had a hissy fit at Switzerland or killed people in the streets.  (please note that "mean like Hitler" and "ray of sunshine" sound a lot alike and I may have just misheard the boy).


I guess I would be
crabby too if I had
 this sideways Kate
Gosselin hairstyle.

2.  Rosie O'Donnell
I miss the old stand-up comedian, host of the Rosie O'Donnell Show, silly, fun Rosie.  This Rosie is perpetually pissed off.  You would think she would be a little more sunshine-y since she came out, but she's not.  I guess all the public support and love she got was annoying rather than cheery. 


3.  Howard Stern
You know I have issues with him.  He gets to say and do whatever he wants and people pay him an obscene amount of money to do it.  He often picks on and makes fun of people who are too stupid to get they are the butt of the joke (mean versus funny if you ask me).  Despite this, he is always whining about not really feeling the love from people.  Whistle. 




4.  Sara Palin
Now she's a tricky one.  At fist blush, she seems all sunshine-y and sweet, but really, not so much.  I truly want to believe she is not as dim as she seems, but she makes it hard.  I think she would seem nicer if she talked less.  I can't believe that no one who works for her has ever told to stop making public statements without first having them approved/edited/completely changed.


5.  Nicholas Cage and Eddie Murphy
They are tie and have the same condition.  They (more Eddie) are in a bunch of silly and funny movies but are always in a mood and bent out of shape.  I don't know why.  People think you are funny.  You get paid a lot of money to do a job you like.  Maybe chill out a little and work on being gracious.


6.  Cruella de Ville
I have never eyed anyone's
pet as my future coat.
Not one time did I ever make a coat out of puppies.  I am not a pet person, but I would never make a coat out of puppies.  Not even a hat.  Sunshine, right?


I could go on all night with this list.  There are just so many people that I am a brighter ray of sunshine than.  The only person I can think of who is more sunshine is Julie Andrews.  She is just nice and she always plays nice characters.  And she does it without making you want to smack her.  When that weirdo group was remaking The Sound of Music, she did not say one mean thing about them messing up what was already perfect.  She made some benignly supportive and sweet statement.

Okay then, so Julie Andrews and I.  Sunshine.


**Note to my many friends from the Grammar Police I know it should be "than whom I am a bigger ray of sunshine." (versus ending the sentence with than) - but we're not snooty like that here.  And, I don't want to be on anyone's most annoying list.

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